tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32144460418746477212024-03-05T09:44:00.716-08:00My life on a knife edgeI may have cancer, or I may not.
Mother of two small children, balancing on a knife edgeJane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-38941593622514559832016-06-22T04:35:00.006-07:002021-10-15T23:35:22.065-07:00The Art of Medicine and the devolution of bedside manner<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;">On the phone to the doctor’s
surgery, I speak with a receptionist.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;">‘I have a repeat
prescription, but I have to come every three months to renew it. I wonder if I could
have it on a six-month repeat?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;">The dragon at the gate
shoots me down with the flames she breaths. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;">‘Definitely not. You’re
lucky to get a three-month repeat. Usually we ask patients to come every
month.’ I shrink back from the receiver at the thought she might revoke the
privilege but I’m too puzzled to stop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;">‘Why is that? A doctor has
never once asked to see me about this prescription, to monitor me, not in several
years.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;">The receptionist replies
with a little puff: ‘The NHS wastes millions of pounds on drugs because people
die with their bathroom cabinets full of medicines. Then their relatives bring
in bags of unopened drugs, and all we can do is throw them away.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;">As someone with cancer in
remission, I’m stunned into silence. Perhaps she hears the echo of her words in
the pause, before she says, ‘I’m not saying you’re going to die, necessarily. But
we can’t go giving six month-prescriptions to people with terminal diseases.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;">And there it is before me:
the uncertainty of my life weighed up against the brutal certainty of the NHS
official line, spouted by a member of staff who might benefit from a course on
bedside manner.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;">While bedside manner is
mostly considered the domain of medics, it’s relevant to many staff beyond.
Over the last twelve years, I have been initiated and confirmed as a regular
patient with doctors and support staff in several fields. From oncologists and
surgeons to obstetrics, plenty of GPs, nurses, porters, emergency doctors, paediatricians,
cosmetic surgeons and dozens of operational staff on the way, I’ve met a lot of
people with many variables of bedside manner at several hospitals.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;">There was the consultant who
delivered my first completely unexpected diagnosis of cancer with his head
bowed to his shoes. He told me I would never have children. There was the
pregnant intern who stood belly-to-belly with me when I <i>was</i> actually pregnant but also had cancer, just after a mastectomy,
and she wiped the optimistic smile from my face with pitying remarks about my bleak
outlook. There was the nurse who tried to issue a post-surgery injection but
refused to tell me what it was for, so a scene fit for a horror movie ensued in
which I refused to submit to his needle.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;">Over this time I learned
that any member of hospital staff, however influential or menial, has the power
to make a frightening experience either manageable or unbearable. I became the
evidence of how a doctor’s attitude towards his or her patient can trigger an
early self-discharge from advised hospital care, or prompt a regenerative
slumber after a reassuring conversation post-surgery. I learnt from both bitter
and grateful experience how a doctor can humiliate or empower a patient, and
how valiantly skilled a doctor must be to employ sympathy and gentle guidance
when his or her patient doesn’t know best. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;">The consideration of bedside
manner – sometimes referred to as ‘the Art of Medicine’ – is as ancient as the
concept of medicine itself. Its place in
medical texts dates back to the 4<sup>th</sup> century BC with the Hippocratic
Corpus, the original Ancient Greek medical works associated with the physician
Hippocrates. Back then, a doctor’s manner was the essence of a patient’s
treatment. The ancient words are still pertinent today:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<i><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;">‘The
physician ought to be confidential, very chaste, sober, not a winebibber, and
he ought to be fastidious in everything... He ought to have an appearance and
approach that is distinguished… Be
solicitous in your approach to the patient, not with head thrown back
(arrogantly) or hesitantly with lowered glance, but with head inclined slightly
as the art demands.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<i><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<i><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;">‘He
ought to hold his head humbly and evenly; his hair should not be too much
smoothed down, nor his beard curled like that of a degenerate youth. Gravity
signifies breadth of experience. He should approach the patient with moderate
steps, not noisily, gazing calmly at the sick bed. He should endure peacefully
the insults of the patients since those suffering from melancholic or frenetic
ailments are likely to hurl evil words at physicians.’ <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">In Arizona, USA, one doctor has taken a step
further in training medical students in bedside manner. A fascinating programme
known as Horses for Healers is a system that uses the way horses mirror
body-language to teach trainee doctors to communicate with their patients more
sympathetically. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Dr Allan Hamilton, MD, FACS, is a Professor of
Neurosurgery , Professor of Radiation Oncology, Psychology, and Computer and
Electrical Engineering at the University of Arizona. A recipient of many awards
and honors, Dr Hamilton has life-long experience of horses and owns a ranch
through which he and his team facilitate various healing and teaching programmes.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">He says: “Doctors would be far more respectful of
their body language and bedside manners if their patients all weighed 1,200
pounds; horses help medical students and professionals learn non-verbal
communication skills demonstrating the powerful voice of our body’s language.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">While some things haven’t changed since Hippocrates
issued his advice more than 1,700 years ago, the dawn of self-diagnosis in the
era of the internet really has tipped the balance of power and complicated the
relationship between doctor and patient. Like those horses at Hamilton’s ranch,
we have all our own peculiar history, own levels of knowledge and our own
expectations. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; tab-stops: 261.0pt;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;">At regular follow-up
appointments with my breast cancer surgeon, I often reported worrying abdominal
pains. He listened patiently, questioned me about their nature, and monitored
them. And then, at my last appointment, he leant towards me in a
conspiratorial way, and said with the skill of a doctor who
had clearly taken the time to understand me through three surgeries and many
years:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;">‘Well, it can’t be cancer,
can it, because if it were, you’d be dead by now.’ We laughed, I went home
reassured, and the pains disappeared. His bedside manner had cured my anxieties and my symptoms in a way many wouldn't like, but tailored just to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 200%;">If I were one of Hamilton’s
horses, I may well have stampeded over some of the individuals who have played
a part in my medical care. But my surgeon, I’d have been eating out of his
hand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-60550190731238895522014-11-24T11:35:00.000-08:002024-01-21T11:57:44.070-08:00Finding dignity in bereavement<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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In September, some friends in the village tragically lost
their baby to leukemia. Sebastian was 39 weeks when he died, his curtailed life
shorter than his gestation.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Instinct and received wisdom tell us to lose a child is the
worst bereavement a person can suffer. To watch life ebb from our own precious
creation, a life we assumed would endure beyond our own demise, is a cruel
disruption to natural order. To the uninitiated, it seems incomprehensible that
such a loss would not result in the total collapse of our world around us. </div>
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</div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘I can’t imagine what they’re going through,’ said a
downcast mother in the playground at school pick-up, soon after Sebastian had
died. Which is exactly all we could do – imagine – for if we are lucky enough
not to know the pain ourselves, imagining is the only route we have to empathy.
Translating that imagined scenario into the right kind of empathy is the
difficult part. How do we find the words and actions to console, not to offend,
not to allow the loss to become the elephant in the room? How also do we keep
from dwelling on the tragedy, but instead allow the bereaved the freedom of
laughter, of normality, without awkwardness? In the West, where infant death is
mercifully uncommon, we have few points of reference. </div>
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<br /></div>
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In our village, we have been lucky. Friends and
acquaintances have been led by the bereaved themselves. What seems incredible –
brave, inspirational, counter-intuitive – is that we see the everyday of family
life with two remaining young children continue, without drama, in a very
routine way. The strength and dignity with which this grieving family has
fortified their unit is immense. </div>
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<br /></div>
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While everyone on the peripheries wants to help, we don’t
necessarily agree on ‘the right thing’ to do. An ‘In Sympathy’ card didn’t feel
quite right to me. But was an email too impersonal? Flowers seemed
inappropriate, because I think of them as a mark of celebration or a ray of
sunshine on a gloomy day. How could pretty blooms go the distance here? How
about chocolates, bottle of wine, or a cake? Perhaps there would be scope for basic
gratification amid grief, if it was served-up? I opt for the cake. My mistake was
trying a new recipe, using a glut of early-autumn courgettes. The sodden chocolate
and courgette brick I created was unfortunately not good enough to share. My
husband cut a wet slice of the finished product and pulled a face. ‘I’ll eat
it,’ he says helpfully, ‘But I wouldn’t give it to anyone else.’ Perhaps it’s a
sign, I think doubtfully, that the cake wasn’t the right offering, and good
intentions turn to dust.</div>
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<br /></div>
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The next day, I learn a valuable lesson from our younger
daughter, age nearly four. When I tell her over lunch about Sebastian’s death,
I am touched by both the maturity and simplicity of her response.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We visited Sebastian at Great Ormond Street
while he was being treated, so she understood that he wasn’t very well.</div>
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‘He has died?’ she says with surprise, ‘But he was a baby! He
hasn’t even spended his life being a children yet!’ </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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After choking on a sob, I take a breath to explain not everyone
lives long enough to grow up. ‘When you’re dead,’ she continues, testing her
limited knowledge, ‘You can’t come alive again. He will never be able to play
with his toys again, or go in his pram, or even be holded by his mummy.’ As she
declares each denied rite of passage, my throat tightens a little more. With a
sigh, she slumps her head into her little hands, elbows on the table, and looks
reflective for a few quiet moments. Then she says, ‘I still feel quite sad
about baby Sebastian, that he has died. Maybe some pudding would make me feel
better?’ </div>
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<br /></div>
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As I agree with a smile, my mind turns to the chocolate
courgette cake. How childishly simple my instinct was.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This weekend, the village church was packed as family and
friends came together to remember Sebastian’s short life in a memorial
service.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To listen to the family’s words
was humbling – the eulogy and the genuinely personal, grateful thank-yous. The
sadness was immense, the hurt tangible. Yet laughter was invited; this was the
sadness of admirable survivors. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is so easy to be paralysed by uncertainty, whatever the
circumstances. By doing nothing we may avoid doing the wrong thing, but for certain
is that we can never do the right thing either. Sebastian’s parents have been
so generous in their gratitude to everyone. While we may feel we’ve done so
little, not enough, perhaps by offering a drop of comfort, we can collectively create
a sea of support.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have learned much from Sebastian’s death; one thing is the
ambitious point of reference it has given me for coping in adversity.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sebastian’s parents have been through an experience worse
than most of us will ever know, but something they have never inspired is pity;
their dignity is far too great for that. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
………………………………………….</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sebastian’s family are fundraising for research into blood
cancers in children at Great Ormond Street Hospital. To help give hope to other
families, please donate to Sebby’s Brighter Future Fund <a href="https://www.justgiving.com/sebastianjosephlloyd">https://www.justgiving.com/sebastianjosephlloyd</a>
</div>
<img alt="" src="https://images.justgiving.com/image/e96bb01d-2415-4914-abb9-7af6523eaf3c.jpg?template=size258x209&imagetype=inmemoryphoto&trymigrate=true" />Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-75554934869686822652014-05-29T04:40:00.001-07:002014-11-24T11:40:35.752-08:00Living with mortality: the legacy of cancer<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Oncology season is approaching again. Next month, I will
arrive with sweaty palms and dry mouth at the hospital which summons supressed fear
the moment the A-road heralds the big ‘H’ signpost.<br />
<br />
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While I perch restlessly waiting
my turn alongside fellow cancerees, I will swallow the dreamlike memories that seem to send Pavlovian blades
of ice through my heart, and will flick blindly through an old issue of a tacky
magazine. </div>
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By the time a nurse calls me in, I’ll be so stricken with embittered
adrenalin that I won’t be able to smile. I shall come across as supercilious as
I take my seat in the consultation room and wait for the oncologist to enter. Yes,
I know what’s coming because I’ve done it all before, many times over the past
ten years. Yet still, I never know the full story.</div>
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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My father taught me from an early age to deal with unwelcome
events by looking forward to them being over. ‘Just think how good it will feel
when you put down your pen as the exam ends,’ he would say when he dropped me
off to sit a GCSE. But although the philosophy has stood the test of time and
many a circumstance, it can’t be simply applied to oncology appointments. If
luck is on my side, I may have another six months’ reprieve from quizzes and
proddings, scans and needles before the cycle begins again. But as I enter the
room, there’s also a chance that this time, I could walk out a dying woman.</div>
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It’s a maudlin thought, but since I lost my naïve, youthful invincibility
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My attitude towards cancer has changed since my second
diagnosis. Until then, I wanted as many checks and scans as the NHS would
allow. But even though it was a routine scan that found a recurrence and I have
to thank for giving me several extra years of life, I have to fight the devil
on my shoulder which whispers to me ‘Stay away from the hospital; it will only
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That’s the thing about cancer – so often it rumbles silently.
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mutilation and the drugs and the radiation reveal the shadow of the monster
we’re dealing with. Cancer has an uncanny way of passing the buck, giving the
illusion that the onus lies with the treatment, rather than the disease.</div>
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As I anticipate this summer’s oncology meeting, I find a use
for my father’s philosophy by slamming it firmly into reverse. Instead of
living in tension and waiting for life to begin when the appointment is over, I
live these days as though they are my last. </div>
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While I’m not ready for a bucket list just yet, living with
mortality has taught me to savour the everyday and the mundane, those things I
know a terminal diagnosis would leave me longing for most.</div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-21344544283259767562014-05-08T12:27:00.002-07:002014-11-24T11:40:35.693-08:00How being a mother to two daughters stirs the feminist in me<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Last week, I had a profound and memorable nightmare that
left me awake under the covers in a sweat of shame. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The gist of the storyline goes that in meeting up with old
friends and colleagues I haven’t seen for more than a decade, I absent mindedly
turned up to an old London haunt wearing my apron. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With a floury handprint on each thigh, the shame brought by
the public realisation I was sporting my homely pinny, next to the professional
attire of my friends, resulted in the contemplation of some home truths. </div>
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</div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
While the symbolic apron clarified the niggling anxieties of
balancing work with motherhood, the question remained: how should I address these
worries? As a SAHM to two daughters, the concept of feminism is something I
struggle with. Where is my inner feminist, I wonder, she who should show these
girls that in the 21<sup>st</sup> century, women can have it all? I can’t help
wondering if she’s been buried too deep beneath the piles of washing and
home-cooked meals to surface.<br />
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<br /></div>
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While I do consider myself a feminist and wish my girls to
grow up with career prospects as rewarding as those open to any boy, I am not
currently burning the beacon of example. And the kids don’t miss a thing. </div>
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‘So basically daddy is really good at science and knows lots
of things, and can build things and do sums,’ defined our elder daughter some
weeks ago, ‘and you look after us, and make sure we have clean clothes and cook
our supper?’ </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Although I wanted to shout ‘NO!’ I had to concede that she hit
the nail of the status quo directly on the head. And the worry is, as our
daughter makes sense of the world around her, what better place to start than
home. I reminded her that I do work too – albeit sporadically, from the kitchen
table – but her mind was already made up. </div>
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<br /></div>
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‘I know mummy – you make sure people have spelt their words
right.’ Next to her description of my husband’s status, I felt slightly cheated.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My husband and I are both ambitious for our daughters.
Although we do not endorse stereotypical, sexist values in principle, in
practice – I hate to say it – they are to some degree the example we set. In
response to my concerns, my husband announces how he has already started
teaching them how to use tools, to understand how a motor works – to equip them
with the knowledge they will need to tackle everyday tasks without relying on a
man. </div>
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<br /></div>
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‘But that’s my point!’ I cry, ‘They should learn at least some
of these things from me – I’m their most important female role model!’ The
trouble is, I’m not exactly an expert in this field. I was in my mid 30s when I
studied the Reader’s Digest Book of DIY and fitted a bathroom light. I was 40
when I finally asked my dad for a lesson on using a drill, in light of all the
conical, mis-angled holes I’d made in walls over the years. I’m still the
guilty culprit who stripped the head of that screw that needs to come out. But if I’d started young, grown up with the experience in
the way I can’t remember ever not knowing how to bake a cake, it would be
different. </div>
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<br /></div>
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According to Office of National Statistics research
published last year, in the UK today 74% of mothers who are half a couple, with
children at primary school are working, while the figure is 65% of those with
preschool children. Not bad, I think. We’re doing our bit. But what the study
didn’t record was how many of those women still manage the bulk of household
chores and childcare. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Of course, in an ideal world, a child would see both parents
doing some of everything: working, cooking, cleaning, childcare, and DIY too. For
us as a family, two parents working full time is not the answer. And that’s
partly because of the inherent sexism towards men in male-dominated industries
where rungs go missing from career ladders when children need looking after. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know so many women who have compromised their careers
since having children. And they’ve done it through choice, because quite
simply, being a mother is a job that requires as much commitment as any other. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
An acquaintance with two children and an ex-career in Law
now helps out at a local school, including serving lunch. When she informed her
father of her return to work, he responded, ‘So you have a law degree, and now
you’re basically a dinner lady?’ You try it, I think – you try being all things
to all people, see how easy it is.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Feminism is a complex concept, and the lot of a parent is a
guilty one. While I hope my daughters will never feel cheated of success
because of their sex, I also hope they will embrace the sisterhood and wear
their pinnies with pride – over their work clothes. For feminism is not about
being a man in a woman’s body, but about knowing that we have choices. Indeed
the velvet chains of motherhood are an honour, and it is a privilege to have a
foot in both worlds. </div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-67573651372190252212014-04-28T16:01:00.000-07:002014-11-24T11:40:35.740-08:00A no-makeup selfie too bare to bear<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Many years ago, a friend gave me a piece of advice that
served me well – until recently. She confided that she found it useful to see
herself in her mind’s eye as more attractive than experience, and a mirror, told
her she really was. I took on board her philosophy, and developed the theory
(rather than the practice) that I had to believe in my own appeal in order to
convince others. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, perception
of appearances is surely attitudinal, as well as aesthetic. Back in the healthy
glow of youth, when looks were the chief currency of dating, this kind of
delusional confidence was a definite asset in many areas of life. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then, last month (bear with me – I’ve had a holiday from
blogging), the no-makeup selfie in aid of Cancer Research raised a
massive £8m. Exposing our own bare-faced truths and the illusion of our made-up faces played to our shameless curiosity, as well as the vanity of the lucky few who found the time to be multitudinally and ravishingly makeupless. The exercise was a resounding success.</div>
<a name='more'></a> As someone with a twice-history of cancer whose own current
reprieve may be due to the latest Gold Standard medical treatment, I felt
beholden to support the gimmick behind the worthy cause.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like millions of others, I turned my phone camera to my
naked face in mirror-mode, and captured the moment in defiance of cancer. But
the moment I’d captured, so the photo revealed, was one that appeared to come from
fiction rather than my mind’s eye. At first I balked and deleted in haste,
recomposed my face into its best pleasant expression with a glimpse of grin,
and snapped again. This time, after I’d deleted, I scoured the room to assess
the best position for lighting. Obviously I needed some reflective fillers
here, some flattering high-key light to flatten the imperfections and smooth
the wavy jowls akin to Peppa Pig’s granny’s. I chose my studio spot, used my
fingertips to curl my stubby eyelashes upwards, glanced two thirds on to a
camera above with what I imagined was an attractive smile, and snapped again. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Good god!’ I said out loud as I deleted the evidence without
lingering to agonise over the detail. This was not funny anymore. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The thing is, I’ve been wearing makeup since I was about
fifteen. Not a lot, but even a daily lick of mascara is enough to paint a
picture of myself as someone (slightly) else, someone who’s replaced by an
older, uglier twin sister the moment the enhancements are deleted. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A study carried out by Superdrug back in 2011 showed that a
third of women wouldn’t leave the house without wearing makeup. Nearly two
thirds of us wouldn’t go to work without it. And so, with the reworked facades
we present being the norm for so many of us, it’s no surprise we’re unenthusiastic
about the less beautiful truth.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The very expression ‘war paint’ is a giveaway that when we
wear makeup, we mean business. We’re putting forward the best of ourselves, enhancing
our assets and concealing our flaws, ready to face judgement. Without it we
present a kind of honestly which is much more vulnerable. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘OMG!’ I say to myself as I shuffle through the google
gallery of no-makeup celebrity selfies, ‘That is brave!’ And is it? For some,
good bone structure and natural beauty mean that going bare faced actually
takes years off, rather than adds them on. But for the majority of us, our
public front is definitely prettier with some help. I delete the string of selfie
attempts, and the coward in me makes a stand-alone charitable donation.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The funny thing is, when I was bald and ailing on the back
of cancer treatment, stripped of the delusions afforded us by makeup, the
thought of painting on the missing elements seemed pointless. Lashless, browless,
hollow-eyed, and ruddy with steroids, I studied my reflection with objective interest.
I was quite candid about my condition – I wore no wig and the false lashes I
purchased before my first dose of chemotherapy remain today untouched in the
bathroom cabinet. I didn’t hesitate to be seen pared down to my most
fundamental form. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As someone who’s obviously vain enough to chicken out of the
no-makeup selfie trend, how is it that my favourite portrait of myself is from
this very naked, unattractive time? It's an obvious cheat.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I look at myself, in a hospital bed, holding our second
daughter just after she was born, and it’s glaringly obvious; when happiness is
genuine, there’s really no place for makeup. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFzWRDlKUz4IlSRT45nXELJpmd84cbbHWlqlNcbxKnfUNFaCchmtUnd2pYmGE3JIiz_gIjZ6ttxfDxTdBm-kNkVnFKz9-Zbh6nIfOfaYgfJCTk_7cXh8xquyKmWWsl-b6Dg9M0bg77sKC7/s1600/_LDM4352e_30MinutesOld.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFzWRDlKUz4IlSRT45nXELJpmd84cbbHWlqlNcbxKnfUNFaCchmtUnd2pYmGE3JIiz_gIjZ6ttxfDxTdBm-kNkVnFKz9-Zbh6nIfOfaYgfJCTk_7cXh8xquyKmWWsl-b6Dg9M0bg77sKC7/s1600/_LDM4352e_30MinutesOld.jpg" height="228" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-79233626879454319272014-01-29T09:52:00.001-08:002021-10-13T06:42:32.647-07:00One boob or two?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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If you’d told me when I was a teenager that I’d have a
breast amputated in my 30s, I would have wailed in horror. Back then, looks meant so much and I felt
that somehow my appearance would dictate my fortune – and not just in the mating game. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">Fortunately by the time fate intervened and it was a toss-up between my
boob or my life, the boob suddenly seemed rather insignificant. It was with
regret I took a last look in the mirror the night before surgery,
steeled myself, and waved goodbye to a unique protrusion of my identity. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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I’ve blogged before about the <a href="http://mylifeonaknifeedge.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/thoughts-in-wake-of-macmillan-coffee.html" target="_blank"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">collateral of defeating cancer</b></a>, and how very lucky I know I am to be
here, and I’ve written about <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2515041/Jane-Sarluis-diagnosed-recurrence-cancer-second-pregnancy.html" target="_blank"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">the umbilical miracle</b></a> that meant not only could I escape with my life, but with the life
of my unborn child, too. So I am not ungrateful, but the mutilation of survival
does give me the odd moment of chagrin. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Although my mastectomised chest is not a pretty sight, what bothers
me most is the nuisance of disguising asymmetry. I could choose to have
reconstruction, and many friends are agog that I have not opted for a
pair of Double-Ds on the NHS.<br />
<br />
'No more chicken fillets!' they encourage, 'Imagine the cleavage of
your dreams!' But it's complicated. Were it a simple case of implants,
I'd be under the knife quicker than you could say '34C please'. But surgery means robbing Peter to pay Paul, and I'd have to choose
a body part to masquerade as a boob. Naturally it would have to be a
part that lends itself to the consistency of breast tissue, such as fat
from my belly, back or thigh. It would mean grafting skin that wouldn't
match, dealing with scars resistant to healing, even feeling an itch on
my back and having to scratch the new boob to satisfy it. All-in-all,
I'd end up another step closer to Frankenstein's monster. No offense intended to
anyone who's chosen reconstruction - I am completely respectful and understanding of individual choice, and don’t believe one route is better than another. But the collateral physical compromises of reconstruction are a step too far for me.<br />
<br />
And so it is I choose to live mono-breasted, with only a little heartache.<br />
<br />
Still, there are practical difficulties which leave me frustrated.
Swimming is one activity which makes my heart sink. The fewer the
clothes, the harder the disguise. At first I avoided swimming, even at
the expense of my children. Then I purchased some fiddly, uncomfortable
swimwear with water-logged chicken fillets, and braved the waters. But honestly, the whole rigmarole was
putting me off.<br />
<br />
So it is I come to write this blog, after a remarkable, timely
coincidence which recently gave me renewed courage to just be as I am.<br />
<br />
I've taken to using the half-hour of my daughter's swimming lesson to
grab the opportunity for a quick dip myself. Three weeks ago, I told
myself while hanging up the wet stuff that this was silly; it was time
to swim au naturel. Not nude, please note, but wrapped in a swimsuit,
single-breasted.<br />
<br />
I emerged from the changing room with trepidation, avoiding all eye
contact en route to the water's edge, clinging tightly to the towel,
praying nobody I knew would be here to see me. I counted to three, shed
the towel swiftly and jumped straight in to the water's concealing
embrace. Then I swam 20 lengths, showered with arms across my chest, and
retired triumphant to dress. Yes! I'd done it. So much easier and more
comfortable. I might even do it again.<br />
<br />
Once I was clothed, I opened the changing room door to retrieve my daughter.<br />
<br />
And there in front of me stood... a one-boobed woman! She used no
towel to disguise her figure, which missed its left breast. She chatted
happily to her friend and their small children, and seemed totally
unselfconscious. I was almost disappointed to be clothed, with my curves
strapped back on.<br />
<br />
Had I been in my costume, I may have dropped my towel and shouted,<br />
<br />
'Ta da - snap! Together, we have a matching pair!'<br />
<br />
Thank you, dear stranger, for the unknown solidarity you have given me by being there just at the right moment.Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-47284863208303185132014-01-14T03:34:00.000-08:002014-11-24T11:40:35.716-08:00The rings that bind us: what's in a wedding?<br />
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;">It took ten years and two children together before my husband and I
were newlyweds.</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;">As bride and groom heading for the age of 40, secure in a relationship
that had endured serious sickness and enjoyed years of health, we tied the knot
retrospectively. By the time we got round to the wedding ceremony itself, our vows
had been made in practice, rather than promise, and the wedding was more about
practicality than romance. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfh9B9KUbD5p-fWWSatmEVjvY3q-DF4Ie2zCFQhWTtA3AG5U4Cop5I_MGM9zWWIVK2JR_a6Fmejw_FSBklBMTyljlRgPWG9FUqmuULUcqduihqVXamioMsqMaV0xbS865jB_fD8aJAx8gs/s1600/006.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfh9B9KUbD5p-fWWSatmEVjvY3q-DF4Ie2zCFQhWTtA3AG5U4Cop5I_MGM9zWWIVK2JR_a6Fmejw_FSBklBMTyljlRgPWG9FUqmuULUcqduihqVXamioMsqMaV0xbS865jB_fD8aJAx8gs/s1600/006.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>My grandmother (right) wearing the wedding ring (right hand) that is now mine. A kind Welsh woman (left) took my Austrian grandparents into her house in 1940, just a week before my mother was born (snugly swaddled in the centre).</i></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;"> </span></div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;">When it came to the nuptials, we headed for the registry office on a
Monday morning while our eldest daughter was at nursery and wedded in the
presence of our five-month baby and two friends. It was an entirely unceremonious
ceremony. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;">For our generation, most elements of married life come before the
marriage itself. There are those who make a principled decision not to marry
and then there are those, like us, who are just rather lazy. By the time we get
round to the wedding, our homes are furnished and feathered, our holiday annals
epic enough to rival any honeymoon, and honeymoon overlooked because there are
children to consider. The ceremonial words intended for the genesis of a
relationship sound misplaced, pledging a future together that for many
newlyweds is already history. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;">According to the ONS, if the declining trend in marriage continues, by
2016 more than half of all children will be born outside wedlock. But while
many relationships will come to a conclusion without an official certificate,
there is also a trend for weddings some way down the road. With no taboo about
sex or children outside marriage in our society, defining moments are harder to
find.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;">When two sets of friends announced recently they’re tying the knot
after 18 and 19 years together, I wonder why we didn’t all do it sooner. And then
I wonder why we bother at all. Because nothing has changed since the day I
married my husband – not even my name. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;">Just in case I should lose sight of love and cite paperwork as the
reason I am wed, I wear a wedding ring. My ring once belonged to my grandmother,
and if rings could talk, its story would be a remarkable lesson in love.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;">Inside the band an engraving begins to give away its history: Georg
08.10.38 – my Jewish grandfather. And inside my grandfather’s ring: Inge
08.10.38 – my Viennese grandmother. The date is critical. In March that year,
the Anschluss – the union of Nazi Germany and Austria – marked the descent to
the Second World War and the Holocaust. The couple escaped the Nazis and came
to Britain in the nick of time, where they married. For the love of a man, Inge
said <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">auf</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">wiedersehen</i> to her parents, four sisters and brother and became a
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she would see the survivors of the family she left behind. </span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;">In September 1939, as war broke out, Inge gave birth to their first
child: a boy. But this was not a joyful conclusion to a love transcending race;
the baby was strangled by the umbilical cord during birth. My stillborn uncle. Three
months later, my Austrian Jewish grandfather was interned by the British in a
prison of war camp. Inge was left alone on enemy territory. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;">In the short time between the death of their son and separation by
internment, Georg and Inge had conceived another child. Pregnant and desperate,
Inge wrote to Winston Churchill. Please, she begged, could she have her husband
back, for she was pregnant and needed him. He posed no threat – he was Jewish, not
a Nazi. She was amazed when a reply came from Churchill to say her husband
would be freed to join the war-effort. Georg returned just six weeks before
their baby – my mother – was due.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;">Georg was offered a position as a wood-cutter in Wales. It was
difficult to find a place to live, with German names and German accents. But a
kind family offered them a room to live in, just a week before my mother was
born. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;">Some days, I twist the ring upon my finger and feel I may rouse the
ghosts of its previous life. I wonder if my grandmother found comfort in its
embrace, or just a reminder of her lost child and absent husband.</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;">Although the meaning of marriage hasn’t changed over the past 75 years,
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and I finally wed, we were not blinded by love, but our eyes were wide open. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri;">In case our incidental wedding demeans the significance of my
marriage, I look to my grandmother’s wedding ring, rather like a wise old sage
upon my finger. Across the generations it encompasses profound parallels that
remind me to appreciate what I have. This ring has borne witness to so much joy
and heartache, and still its experience continues to grow, now with its 21<sup>st</sup>
century incarnation. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsluRpf6P7US2xWNp-CIjKw7ZjPxOMxvqM1OhCOfJpKCG26fNNxCPaz8emUWLq1jwoiHhIekRKcks3KnvuUM-LDcVkhJQp5SnlK8-bWy3hY9tkWPuvaRyY_6saYc1_0gTk2moP-DmFUv27/s1600/008.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsluRpf6P7US2xWNp-CIjKw7ZjPxOMxvqM1OhCOfJpKCG26fNNxCPaz8emUWLq1jwoiHhIekRKcks3KnvuUM-LDcVkhJQp5SnlK8-bWy3hY9tkWPuvaRyY_6saYc1_0gTk2moP-DmFUv27/s1600/008.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i> </i></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>My grandmother, standing second from the right,
reunited with her parents and two of her sisters in 1947. At the front,
my mother (centre) and aunt (right) meet their Viennese family for the
first time. </i></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-66675085242498289052014-01-06T15:32:00.001-08:002014-11-24T11:40:35.737-08:00If daddy were mummy<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I’m picking up the girls from a sleepover at my sister’s at
the end of the Christmas break. </div>
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<br /></div>
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‘Where’s daddy?’ asks elder daughter as she dances up to the
front door to greet me. She looks round to see behind me, as though over the
holidays, mummy and daddy have become two halves of the same whole.</div>
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<br /></div>
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‘Daddy’s back at work today,’ I say. </div>
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<br /></div>
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‘At work?’ she says, screwing up her face, then skips
off back to the TV. </div>
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<br /></div>
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In the car, the subject is not yet closed. </div>
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</div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Daddy used to work,’ says our three-year-old, ‘but now he
doesn’t. Now, he’s at home with us.’ </div>
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<br /></div>
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Once I’ve explained that the four of us hanging out together
in front of the fire, playing games, watching films and eating chocolate is not
the new status quo, I think how it really has been a wonderfully long Christmas
holiday. Given a fortnight of co-hibernation with the family over the darkest
days of the year, our children are now under the misapprehension they have a
permanent right to two parents. Well, all change, now that the old year’s out
and the New Year’s in, we parents are each back to our individual grindstones. Oh, the
seasonal disruption from a traditional division of labour has been most
welcome.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Sharing parental duties is good for several reasons.
There are the doe-eyed ones, like daddy being there to read a bedtime story and
give a goodnight kiss; and then there’s the halving of the parental load. Take
one fairly representative example: I’m in the kitchen while bickering escalates
next door. ‘You had a turn, it’s my turn now!’ shouts one at the other. ‘Give
it to me or I’ll lock you out in the rain!’ </div>
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<br /></div>
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‘DADDY!’ I bellow, ‘Bath time!’ There’s a diminuendo of
protests as the girls disappear upstairs with my husband, and I pour two large
gin and tonics. It’s ok that it’s a Monday, I tell myself, elbow in the air,
because this is Christmas. </div>
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<br /></div>
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The ever-presence of daddy over the holidays sparks a question from the girls.</div>
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<br />
‘Why don’t you go out to work mummy, while daddy looks after
us?’ they ask.<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Rather than tackle the answer to such a big question, I ask ‘What do you think it
would be like if daddy did all mummy’s jobs, and mummy did all of daddy’s?’ </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Well daddy can’t cook,’ is elder daughter’s first observation.
‘We’d have to eat disgusting food. Oh no,’ she groans, ‘What if he made Toad in
the Hole with real toads?’ </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Yuck!’ joins in younger daughter with glee, ‘Daddy says we
have to go in the garden and dig for toads, and he doesn’t know we don’t really
put them in our dinner!’ The revulsion is thrilling and we all enjoy again the
ridiculous myth their father started years ago, when he swore to the
amphibian ingredient of Toad in the Hole.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Amusing though the exchange was, the idea of daddy ‘being’
mummy has a certain pertinence. Since my second cancer diagnosis,
it’s something I’ve thought through many times, wondering how my husband would
possibly survive as a single working father, single-handedly finding the time
to earn a crust and bring up our children. We all like to think we’re indispensable,
but seriously, what on earth would life be like without me? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘They’d be fine!’ said a friend with a dismissive wave of her hand when
I raised the subject. ‘People manage.’ But the logistics of this one just don’t
add up. It would not be possible to maintain the children’s routines while
holding down a job which involves being out of the house for 12 hours a day. No,
something would have to change.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 134.7pt;">
At the moment, the consideration
of my husband’s single parenting is something of a morbid fantasy, for my days
are not yet numbered. And although I jest, I’m all too aware that this crisis
is real. I know of far too many fathers living without the mothers of their
children, making ends meet and holding together the family as a single parent.
Most of the fathers I know of have lost their partners to cancer, but there are
plenty of other ways to become a widower, or a widow.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 134.7pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve been reading a blog lately, written by the father of a little
boy whose wife was killed suddenly and violently in an accident just over a
year ago. <a href="http://lifeasawidower.com/">lifeasawidower.com</a> was recommended by a friend, and is a wonderfully
honest transcription of thoughts and feelings by a man struggling to adjust to
his circumstances. The blog is intended to help other bereaved spouses find
support, and I feel rather voyeuristic following the lives of this father and
son when I’m privileged to have a partner. But it’s
such a fascinating and valuable lesson in how to find joy in what you have,
that I’m compelled to read. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Recently, my husband and I were out to dinner with friends.
One conversation led to another, and we touched on the financial value of a
SAHM. The other couple, who also have two children, revealed they’ve recently invested
in life insurance for their female half.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Imagine how much it would cost to employ someone to carry
out a full-time mother’s duties,’ says other husband. ‘Cleaning, house-keeping,
childcare…’ he stops before ‘whore’, but I'm sure we all think it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 325.5pt;">
‘Are you mad?’ my husband jumps in, ‘You
wouldn’t pay – you’d get another wife!’<br />
<br />
It's a joke, of course. But in a way, he's right; if daddy were mummy, how I hope he'd find his other half. <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span></div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-90032216569798766372013-12-19T14:26:00.002-08:002014-11-24T11:40:35.774-08:00Bitches, besties and the female clique<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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When I was a teenager, I was one of the Sydenham Six. While the
label would be more fitting for a band of fugitives than a collective of girls
from the same school, the meaning it imparted was nonetheless immediate: we
were a clique. </div>
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</div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
We didn’t give ourselves this rather unflattering title, but
were branded for our coexistence by the boys from a nearby school, where we did
a lot of hanging out together. In fact there were more than just six of us, but
I suppose six was an easier number to convene than eight or ten, and so this
may have been the amount most commonly found in one place at any one time. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We
were very often at each others’ houses, and favoured the homes of those with
more permissive parents who didn’t rise to the evidential smell of cigarette
smoke, or enforce strict night time curfews. We would gather before school, after
school, occasionally skive together, and then reconvene for social gatherings at
weekends. Even the teachers referred to us as ‘the gang’. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
During the ‘80s, we styled ourselves in the image of the
Gatecrasher Ball, although we were far from regulars at these debauched toffs’ parties.
We’d either hunt out vintage dresses from second hand shops or spend our
savings from Saturday jobs on Laura Ashley ball gowns. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The frocks would be teamed with clumsy DMs and
felt brimmed hats, and sometimes unlikely items for effect, such as a father’s
paisley dressing gown or grandmother’s dowdy tweed coat. In our pockets would
be the qualifying Marlboro Lights or Consulates, and swinging from our hands
would pass a bottle of Thunderbird. On the upper decks of London buses, banished
from local pubs, on the wrong side of locked park gates after dark, on the
banks of the school hockey pitch, we could be found collaborating in minor
misdemeanours. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Belonging to an adolescent, all-female gang was both empowering
and destructive. As a group, we were a force to be reckoned with; the whole
certainly seemed greater than the sum of its parts. From the inside, we were a
supportive sisterhood of young feminists: opinionated girls from an all-girls
school, defining, protecting and bolstering each other in our social lives and academic
achievements, and commiserating in our failures. We believed in ourselves and,
what’s more, we believed in each other. But being so tight came at a price. As
part of a whole, each of us had a rather restrictive role to play, a role that
was hard to shake. And yes, there was jealousy and there were arguments, a
little vying for alpha-supremacy, stealing of boyfriends and clashing of
personalities. Some of the women who were once members of our all-girl gang do
not remember these years fondly at all. But some of us have maintained an
evolving friendship, which still feels terribly fundamental. It’s as though the
secrets and intimacies we shared at such a formative time were enough that we
could never be strangers. The need for teenage girls to belong seems universal
and instinctive, and the bonds forged are not easily forgotten, whether they
were cliquey or not. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Some twenty five years on, I look back and see how the door
to our clique was firmly shut. Although we all had friends outside the group and
there were members on the periphery who’d join us sometimes, we made ourselves pretty
exclusive. It seems strange to me now that I didn’t consider how others may
feel left out, maybe want to join the ranks, or perhaps were just struggling to
be seen behind our egocentric united front. We weren’t purposely bitchy, but
there must have been some who thought we were.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even in middle age we need go no further than the school
gates to come up against the kind of female glass bubbles that wield the power
to turn us into outcasts. Only this time, we’re the mothers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At its best, a close group of female friends provides the
kind of solidarity that many dream of: a cooperative network to provide
practical and emotional support, and a true sense of belonging – the qualities
I hope my daughters’ friendships will hold. But at its worse, a clique is
desperately isolating to others. You only have to google ‘cliques’ to see that
book stores, discussion forums and psychiatrists couches are awash with women
seeking advice on how to cope with the pain of exclusion. A 2003 study by the
University of California showed that social exclusion actually activates the
same area of the brain that registers physical pain. Rejection hurts.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Five of the Sydenham Six, now in our 40s, meet one evening for
a meal at our regular haunt, just up the hill from our old school. It’s a cold,
wet, dark weekday. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 118.5pt;">
‘If I’d planned to meet anyone
else this evening, I really couldn’t have been bothered to come out and make conversation,’ one friend confides, ‘But
it’s so easy being here with you lot, I almost left my slippers on.’ </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 118.5pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 118.5pt;">
Nowadays, I hang out with my old
friends so rarely that it isn’t exclusive of others. When we get together, it
still feels like the old gang, and I immensely enjoy the references to shared
experiences past, enduring intimacy and sense of belonging. But I have not sought a similar
bond with another group of women since I was a teen. There’s a time and a
place.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 118.5pt;">
As an adult, I like to choose my
friends as individuals. Woe betide that I should become part of something that
has the capacity to unwittingly become a monster. </div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-61486542369696410482013-12-15T00:59:00.002-08:002014-11-24T11:40:35.733-08:00The rise of the box set<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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‘What shall we do this evening?’ asks my husband. It’s 8pm
on Monday, supper is over and ahead of us stretch a few blissful hours of
freedom. ‘Scrabble?’ he adds, ‘Some garden planning? Or holiday video editing?’ </div>
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<br /></div>
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‘Oh, I don’t mind,’ I bluff, ‘you choose.’ In light of all
the useful things we could be doing, who’s going to take responsibility for
doing absolutely nothing? Tonight, neither of us is in any danger of opting to
decide on the best spot for the garden pond or plotting for a triple word score.
It’s been a long Monday and all day, at the back of my mind has been the
thought that once the kids are in bed, the kitchen’s clear, lunches packed for
tomorrow and stove blazing, we’ll slump into the sofa, each welcome a cat onto
our laps and melt into an episode of our current DVD series. Ah – what a
gloriously cosy, united way to distance reality on a winter evening. </div>
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<a name='more'></a><br />
To understand just how vital the DVD box set has become to
our evening relaxation, I should explain that there is no TV in our house. This
makes the DVD all the more ambrosia to the lazy-weary. We got rid of our
television back in 2006, just after we’d finished watching the World Cup. Its
banishment was nothing to do with football (for that it stayed), but an effort
to beat our addiction to dreadful reality TV. Back then, before kids, we’d come
home from work and bustle in the kitchen with a deadline to dish up supper in
time for Wife Swap, Brat Camp, and more of the like. Then we would sit on the
sofa with our TV dinners and stare semi-comatose at the changing images of
ordinary people living their boring lives until it was time to go to bed. It
was something I’d vowed I would never do – TV dinners, vegetating on the sofa –
something that was restricted to a Sunday evening treat in front of the
Antiques Roadshow when I was growing up. But now what I had been led to believe
was slovenly, had become our shameful routine; we couldn’t be trusted with the
remote. So one day, we held hands over our brave decision and junked the TV.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
These days, we live with an addiction to the box set
instead. And no way am I going cold-turkey on this one.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
It seems we’re not the only ones with a penchant for a series
on DVD. On discussing the merits of Breaking Bad with friends recently, two
sets of couples claimed the box set saved their marriage. ‘It’s given us
something in common,’ joked one husband with a conspiratorial grin at his wife.
Another texted ‘We watched series 1 together in three nights!’ </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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One of the nice things about TV is the shared experience –
not just with those on the same sofa, but the following day’s conflab, whether
it be at school or across the desk at work. I remember going into school during
the days of ‘Just say no’ when Grange Hill was the first thing I talked about with
my friends. Then there were the rather more critical appraisals of 90s’
American dramas in the office. But fear not, the experience is not lost with
the box set, because as viewing habits change, we can find many who have
recently watched the same production as us. Admittedly, there may be some dangerous
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ground to be trodden when it comes to
identifying which season you’ve got up to, but hearing from a friend ‘You wait
– you’ve got the best to come!’ can only add to the anticipation.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So in the spirit of marriage guidance, and just a desire to
share my pleasure with anyone who may be interested, I thought I’d list some of
the series we’ve enjoyed most. Most you’ll know – I do believe when it comes to
box sets, the most popular are up there with the best.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And please let me know what I’ve been missing – I’d love to
hear what you’ve enjoyed. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Sopranos</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has to come first on the list, because this
was the road to love at first sight with HBO. We’ve just watched the first season
again, and despite enjoying so many excellent series in the interim years, it’s
just as good second time round. It has the best opening credits of any series ever
with Alabama 3 setting the scene for the New York mob perfectly.
Genius characterisations, exceedingly clever plots, hilarious, dark, and still
my favourite.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Killing</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Danish Noir, uncomfortable and compelling,
like scratching an itch on the roof of your mouth. Another great soundtrack, subliminally
disquieting. Set in the Scandinavian winter, it’s literally as well as
metaphorically dark and suits a British winter eve very well.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Poldark</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Set in 18<sup>th</sup> century Cornwall, an
enchanting, hammy joy. I needed to imagine myself in a theatre audience to get
into the spirit, but once I was there, I was hooked. Poldark, a British army
officer returns to his home in Cornwall after the American Revolutionary War,
where his family and fiancé believe him dead. The complications that arise are
fanciful, amusing and touching. It’s an interesting period piece too. This type
of drama doesn’t get any better than those from the BBC archives of the ‘70s. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Heimat</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nearly 53 and a half hours of fabulous
viewing, set in Germany’s Rhineland between 1919 and 2000, following the lives
of several generations of one family, and the people with whom they share their
village. So different from the HBO action-format in many ways, but this gentle
drama shares the winning recipe for a top-class box set with clever storylines for
something for everyone to relate to, with convincing acting and completely
believable characterisations. Well worth putting up with subtitles.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Wire</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dare to enter another world, where you may
not understand the rules. The Wire is an initiation into the lives of drug
dealers in Baltimore, and the cops who police them. I challenge you not to feel
sympathy for the bad guys. Some of my favourite scenes were those with Prezbo,
cop turned teacher. Immensely touching. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Six Feet Under</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s so much that’s wrong with the
characters in this series, it’s a bit like watching a freak show. Set in the
home of a family of undertakers in California, every episode begins with an
untimely death which can’t help but make you laugh, as well as shudder. This is
a dark comedy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Breaking Bad</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The story of an insipid, high school
chemistry teacher who turns to criminal behaviour when diagnosed with terminal
lung cancer. Brilliantly written, and a fascinating portrayal of the
justification of moral decline. Plenty of action here – a visual page-turner.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Das Boot</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Set on
a WWII German U-boat, where horror and terror prevail. The director’s cut is
about three and a half hours long, and evokes what must have been sickening
conditions vividly. It’s so traumatic you may emerge like a hostage from a long
period in captivity. </div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-4763003760997729492013-11-25T09:03:00.001-08:002014-11-24T11:40:35.720-08:00Happy Cancerversary<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">At this time of year I tend to dwell on my first cancer
diagnosis, because it’s my Cancerversary. Actually, I’m unlucky enough to have
two of the occasions each year, with the second falling in the summer. Nicely
spaced for a biannual reminder to count my blessings, I think, as I chalk
another mark on my mental survival tally. Nine this year. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></div>
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: inherit;">So as I’ve made it to nine years, that must make next year the
magic ten. After that, I fall off the chart because in the main, cancer
survival statistics are based on living ten years post diagnosis. Naturally I’m
glad to have made it this far, but I feel a bit uncomfortable about what
happens next. What does ‘surviving’ really mean? If I die the day after my
tenth Cancerversary, do I still register as a survivor? </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">When you’re given a cancer diagnosis, if you want to hear
the truth and it’s not already incurable, the doctor will possibly say something
along the lines of: ‘Your chances of surviving ten years are around X%.’ Ten
years. What does that mean – that we’re cured after ten, or that’s all we can
ask? What if you’re only 32 when you get your diagnosis, like me, or only 22,
like plenty of others? How does a good chance of seeing ten years look then? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Although cancer is primarily a disease of the elderly, more
and more of us are given a diagnosis well before middle age. At this stage in
life, classing ten years as a reasonable lifespan seems a bit insulting. Why, even
an octogenarian with a prognosis of ten years falls a decade short of their
telegram from the queen. Ten years are never enough.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">A common misconception is to treat even five-year survivors
from cancer as cured.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So often I hear
something like ‘My mum just got the all-clear after five years’. Every cancer
is different, and it’s true that for some – particularly for those with more aggressive
types – to survive five years means the odds are excellent that it won’t be
back to haunt you. But as a generalisation for breast cancer, survival
continues to fall for many years, decades even. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">According to Cancer Research UK, 95.8% of us with breast
cancer will live to see a year, 85.1% five years, 77% ten years and 64.5%
twenty years. Of course breast cancer is a blanket term for many different
manifestations of a disease, each with its own individual prognosis, but we’re
talking averages. So although there are figures to predict twenty years,
they’re rarely quoted. I suppose it’s difficult to keep up with survival rates
because by the time ten years are up, treatments have improved so much that
statistics are already out of date. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I thought I was cured after five years in the clear, but
what I didn’t know was that my cancer was in temporary remission. It’s the less
aggressive and hormone receptive cancers you have to watch for sneaky returns. They’re
the ones that lie dormant for years, resting with intent. Then, when conditions
are perfect in their host - perhaps hormones are surging or immunity is low - they burst back into life,
proliferating silently from microscopic and innocuous to invasive and deadly. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">After a recurrence of cancer, I can’t imagine relaxing into
a state of mind that says ‘cured’. Recently, Jennifer Saunders got some stick
from fellow cancer patients for announcing that she was cured of cancer. And
statistics say she probably is cured, plus perhaps she's a glass-half-full kind of person. A positive attitude has long been considered a benefit. They told me the same,
gave me a 93% chance of seeing ten years, told me after five years I should consider the cancer to be gone. And I believed it, until five and a half years after the first diagnosis, the cancer returned. Although I will never be guaranteed a cure, I am hopeful that medical progress will continue to offer long term management,
should a malignancy make itself evident again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Nobody wants a Cancerversary. But the ironic thing is, once you've had one, you're crossing your fingers every year for another. So Happy
Cancerversary to me, and cheers to the next. </span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-82512333822869297152013-11-19T06:47:00.001-08:002014-11-24T11:40:35.767-08:00It's the thought that counts<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: inherit;">There’s no avoiding it any longer, Christmas is coming. I am
braced for shopping, wish-lists are circulating, beleaguered mothers are
arriving late at the school gates after shopping expeditions, and the shops are
full of tat that will end up in a local charity shop before the end of January. </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The pressure’s on again to dream up ideas for ever-more
surprising, interesting presents, because when it comes to gifts, we all know
it’s the thought that counts.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Over the years, I’ve been first-hand witness to how a gift
can be a code for the sentiment in which it’s given, which makes for
interesting interpretation. Once the wrapping paper’s torn and contents
revealed, what meaning could be construed?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Putting my own dear husband in the spotlight, I’ve received
a particularly interesting line in gifts over the past ten years. The first of
its ilk was quite a surprise in the early days of our relationship, when
jewellery, chocolate or even flowers would have made the grade. It was… a food
processor. We had recently bought a house together, and I was able to excuse it
as a gift demonstrating commitment, if lacking romance. If my husband-to-be
wanted to equip the kitchen for the preparation of delicious meals, who was I
to complain (it wasn’t at all clear back then who the long-term chef would be). </span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">By the following Christmas, he’d upped the stakes. There was
no gift-wrap to disguise the huge, grey wheelie bin which contained an
assortment of curious smelling accessories, including a tub labelled ‘Handle
with care’. I opened it to reveal a tangle of thin, red worms. The tiny
creatures wriggled against each other in a way that made me want to tip them to
freedom into the flowerbed, but remembering this was a birthday present, I replaced
the lid quickly and tentatively dug deeper for some instructions. On the
outside of the bin, at the bottom, was a tap. I didn’t yet know its purpose, but
at the same time, suspected this was its purpose. The instructions enlightened
me that my very own wormery would work by feeding the worms with compost. They would
gobble up the discarded delicacies leaving all waste elements on tap for me.
Yes, all I had to do was turn the tap and those nutritious juices of fermented
compost and worm wee that had trickled to the bottom would all be mine. And the
herbaceous border would love it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The wormery quickly became a burden. As the wriggly red
threads fattened into hungry, plump snakes, they demanded to be fed with their
probing mouth-ends when I lifted the lid. I piled in the compost, and as spring turned to summer, a problem came to light. I lifted the lid, and a swarm of
tiny fruit flies would make their bid to escape, right into my face. What kind
of a gift was this? When we moved home, my husband agreed to include the
wormery in the price of the house as a bonus for the new owners. Think of it as
re-gifting.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Since the year of the wormery, there have been more
surprises. There was the year that tact forgot, with an assortment of self-help
books; the year of unwanted advice with the Driver’s Handbook, just 20 years
too late for passing my test. Digressing slightly, there was the spontaneous
gift of a rather nice red purse, apropos nothing – no birthday, no Christmas.
The only trouble with it was a certain amount of secrecy around its ancestry.
It was years later when my husband confessed he’d found it on the upper deck of
a 109 bus. ‘The purse was empty!’ he protested when I gasped ‘NO WAY!’ ‘Someone
already had the money out of it.’ </span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
With this year’s birthday came the gloves; a box of latex gloves. ‘For doing
chores like cleaning out the drain or sanding the window frames,’ said husband
with a twinkle in his eye, ‘to save your hands from being so rough.’ I said my
hands would be even softer if a cleaner came once a week to wear them, but
sadly these gloves were in my size. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">At the school gates, a friend bemoaned her day Christmas
shopping, and the fruitless hunt for a gift for her father in law. ‘I almost
bought a book on how to keep your mind active in old age,’ she sighed, ‘but
thought better of it.’ Perhaps my husband is not alone, at least not in spirit,
if in gall.</span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Strangely, the gloves, the food processor, even the
self-help books have been among the most useful gifts I’ve had. I hasten to add not the wormery, god no, although the garden would disagree. So this year, I’m
taking a leaf out of my husband’s book for our children, considering a themed dustpan
and brush, a set of favourite character coat hooks, even a personalised
doormat. And while my husband prepares to put his tongue in cheek, I look
forward to counting his seasonal thoughts.</span></div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-22176337695779779472013-11-14T13:03:00.005-08:002014-11-24T11:40:35.697-08:00Mrs and Misses Malaprop<!--[if !mso]>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">Some
things run in families, like red hair, antiques, musical aptitude, cancer and
money, to cite a few examples. While some tendencies can be consigned to nature,
others clearly fall to nurture<span style="font-family: inherit;">. E</span>ither way, there are certain
characteristics that weave their way through generations in one family to
become strong, identifying features.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"></span></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-size: small;">While it has been clear from the start that our elder daughter looks very much like my mother in law, it recently
occurred to me how like my mother in law she is in other ways, too. Some of
these similarities are coincidental or circumstantial, perhaps even testament
to the way in old age, we begin a return to childhood. But in other ways, I
feel sure there must be a trickle of genes at work. While my kind, fun,
much-loved mother in law was quite a beauty in her youth and to inherit her
looks and light-hearted disposition is a gift not to be sniffed at, there is
another characteristic which may be received with less enthusiasm. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">My mother in law is known for her unfortunate tendency to use the wrong
word. Even more unfortunate is the fact the errant word is often one with
sexual meaning. Some malapropisms are entirely innocent and make us chuckle,
such as: ‘I’ve made up the fruton for you to sleep on’, whereas others have
been known to leave company aghast. <span style="font-family: inherit;">Once, she discussed a <span style="font-family: inherit;">bunch of lil<span style="font-family: inherit;">ies she'd received as a gift. </span></span></span>‘There was semen
everywhere!’ When she continued ‘It was all over my hands and the table, and on
my nose too,’ it was clear there was some confusion. We swa<span style="font-family: inherit;">llowed our snig<span style="font-family: inherit;">gers <span style="font-family: inherit;">and nodd<span style="font-family: inherit;">ed sympathetically, </span></span></span>assuming <span style="font-family: inherit;">that</span></span> ‘semen’ had transgressed from ‘stamen’, which
in turn had morphed from ‘pollen’. A sort of double-malapropism.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">On
another legendary occasion which I was not present to witness, my mother in law
was at a gathering after a funeral. In the reflective silence of mourners, her
tummy made an audible rumble. ‘That’s my stomach masturbating,’ she announced. <span style="font-family: inherit;">When the</span> silence was broken by uproarious
laughter, she was <span style="font-family: inherit;">certainly responsible for lightening the moment.</span>. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">A few
weeks ago, my husband, daughters and I visited The British Wildlife Centre for
a day out. We had a marvellous time, viewing and remarking on all manner of native
animal species. That evening at bedtime, our elder daughter asked her daddy a
curious question. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">‘Daddy,
if you touched an udder, would you die?’ My husband explained that farmers and
vets touch udders every day and they do not die, but it could be possible –
though unlikely – to catch a bacterial infection that could make you very ill.
‘So people really touch udders?’ she pressed, ‘I thought that they were
poisonous?’ It took some time and interpretation for my husband to establish
that, while consolidating the facts from our day observing British wildlife,
what she had actually meant to say was ‘adder’. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">Words
aside, it seems malapropisms extend to concepts in our family. While our
younger daughter was playing doctors with her toys recently, she took her
teddy’s temperature. Removing the thermometer from under the bear’s arm, she
announced ‘It’s a quarter past two, you will have to stay in bed until you’re
better.’ <span style="font-family: inherit;">Our b</span>athroom scales measure any
family member to be ‘a metre’, a tape measure with a thermostat <span style="font-family: inherit;">can</span> diagnose
‘you’re very hot’ and we also own a clock which shows ‘we need some petrol’. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">Venturing
outside our own family’s malaprop-territory to tread on the toes of others’
mistakes, a couple of years ago my husband and I witnessed one way in which malapropisms
come to run in families. At an open-farm for family visits, a boy exclaimed of
a turkey ‘Look dad, a peacock!’ His father knew his son was wrong and didn’t
hesitate to correct him. ‘That’s not a peacock stupid, it’s an ostrich!’</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">I have
undoubtedly been unkind in these revelations, and far be it from me to stand
above error – I know I’ve made a few corkers of my own over the years,
particularly with regard to song lyrics. So if you should find anything <i>mal a propos</i> in my musings, please don’t
hesitate to let me know.</span></span> </span></div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-12733665624605888102013-10-28T02:17:00.000-07:002014-11-24T11:40:35.683-08:00The vicarious ambition of a mother<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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The other day, I noticed my daughter singing her school
harvest festival song with a vibrato. As I paused and caught her eye, she
played along and exaggerated the effect. Lucky Ikea don’t do crystal glasses, I
thought as she came to the end of her cadence: ‘The broad beans are sleeping in
their blankety be-a-e-a-eds!’</div>
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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Later that day my mind returned to our family soprano and
this time, as I ran the hoover around the house while everyone else was out at their
respective learning or learn-ed institutions, I had her centre stage, holding
her audience with talent and tragedy as Tristan’s Isolde. Yes, an opera singer
would fit nicely as a career option alongside concert pianist – no need to
narrow down my virtuoso just yet. In fact, it would even have its own points to
recommend it alongside consultant oncologist, internationally acclaimed
political journalist, renowned architect, or royal horticulturalist. </div>
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It’s difficult as a parent not to project our own ambition
onto our children. When I was a child, my mother instigated the weekly piano
lesson for my sister and me. It wasn’t to do with her having recognised a glimmer
of musical talent, rather she was living her own missed ambition through her
children. ‘I wish I’d learnt the piano,’ she sighed as she chivvied us to
practise that day. I suppose we were meant to be grateful for the chance to
learn, something that rather passed me by at a tender age. However now I’m over
the hill and learning opportunities are few and far between, I am extremely
grateful for my superficial knowledge of the language of music and the ability
to hammer out Beethoven’s Pathetique Sonata Les Dawson style. Although, regrettably,
the lessons didn’t lead to a career in classical music and my recital may not be
music to the ears of the listener, sitting at the piano and searching for the
notes gives me time and space to escape from life for a few minutes; it’s a
wonderful therapy and I’m thankful for my mother’s projected ambition. I expect
if I suggested my daughter join the choir in light of her natural vibrato, I
would be met with some resistance, but would it be wrong to insist in the
knowledge that one day she’d (possibly) thank me?</div>
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As I lay prostrate, with the hover sucking cobwebs from crevices under the
bed, I began to feel quite uplifted with the thought of all the wonderful possibilities
open to my children in life. Why, now I’d listed the myriad opportunities I
began to wonder (for the umpteenth time) what went wrong with my own career. At
what point did I veer off the path and into the woods and find myself as lost
as Hansel and Gretel, only to discover the places on university courses and
jobs of worth had been snapped up by my contemporaries? I’d be damned if I’d
let such ennui affect the next generation.</div>
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A friend told me recently how her teenage daughter asked her if when she was at school, she'd made a list of her ambitions in life, the things she wanted to achieve. Her reply had been no, she'd never thought to do such a thing, to which her daughter's response had been 'So what have you achieved in life, mum?'It can be a painful question, one I'm now lucky enough to be able to plan for.</div>
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While I’ve seen the light at this late stage in life, have
put my lazy days behind me and developed a work ethic which has no real home, I feel
it my duty to enforce a rounded programme of learning upon my little progeny. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Some would say I’m a pushy mother but truth be said, I want
nothing more than happiness for my two children. While there are many contributing
factors to living a happy life, a fulfilled career is just one element. The
more strings to your bow, the more likely it is there are enough to catch you
should one or maybe two strings snap. To strive for a balance of happy family, friends,
relationships, a good philosophical attitude, a fulfilling career, relative
wealth, not to forget good health – is probably what most of us aspire to.
Perhaps the best we can do for our children is to provide opportunity, and
encourage a glimmer of aptitude in the hope they may embrace a living doing
something they enjoy.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lest as in my case, a career doesn’t amount to much and
health is compromised, it’s a comfort to know with my children in mind that all
is not lost. As long as some of those strings are strong enough, a happy life
is well within our reach.</div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-18342286859225575782013-10-13T00:53:00.003-07:002014-11-24T11:40:35.690-08:00Cats or dogs?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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A couple of years ago, my mother drew an analogy which has
stuck with me. It was in light of the respective stages my sister and I were at
in our parenting journeys: she had teens, I had toddlers. I suppose we’d both
been bending her ear with our gripes, and she compared our children to cats and
dogs.</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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Cats, she said, were the teenagers: when they let themselves
out through the door, you never quite knew where they were going, or if they
would return. Would they come a cropper on the road? Might curiosity kill the cat?
Cats turn up at mealtimes and swing in behaviour from independent to needy.
Sometimes they don’t come home at night. When in the morning the rodent remains
on the kitchen floor bear evidence of a night on the prowl, the cat may well be
grounded. ‘Cat flap locked this week!’ the owner may reprimand.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dogs, on the other hand, were the toddlers: needing a run
every morning to unleash pent-up energy, whining for attention, eating inedible
objects, weeing on the carpet. Dogs are not particularly streetwise and must be
on a lead for fear they’ll run into oncoming traffic or chase after a squirrel,
and can’t be left alone for long for fear of accident or injury. </div>
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Personally, I’ve always been a cat-person. Give me those
independent, flighty felines who come in from the cold from time to time for a
warm lap and a stroke. Then when they’ve had enough, quietly they make a retreat
for a wash and a little nap alone, or head off out to enjoy some territorial freedom.
I love dogs, and there are many times when I’ve been tempted to adopt one, but when
push comes to shove, I haven’t. It boils down to the fact they’re so damn needy,
always there, needing consideration. I couldn’t have one when I was out working
from all day, and now that I’m not, it makes me weary just to think of it, all
that responsibility. </div>
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Now in the thick of middle age, I still don’t have a dog, but
I do have two small children. ‘The girls’ are five and nearly three, so between
them pretty much a thousand times as needy as that dog I was never brave enough
to adopt. Although I love our children with all my heart, there are times when
I feel like shouting ‘Enough already!’ The service is relentless: a supply of
drinks and meals, supervision of loo-trips, assistance donning coats and shoes
and gloves, refereeing arguments, strapping into car seats, not to mention the
endless explanations as to ‘why?’ </div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
After the magic hour when both children are safely tucked up
in bed, some days I sit down with my husband and exude the relief of one who
has just been released from the horror of water torture. ‘Wine o’clock’ after ‘arsenic
hour’ are the terms my friends use. </div>
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The fact is, inter-species metamorphosis is not a possibility
and so a dog is a dog for the whole of its life. But it is the case that our
adorable human puppies will – before too long – transform into aloof pussy
cats. I imagine when that happens, as parents we’ll be regretful, nostalgic for
canine devotion and longing to be needed once again. </div>
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My husband remembers how when he was a boy, his father bought
him a fishing rod as a present. My husband would pester his father to take him
out and, in all weathers, they could be found sitting on the river bank – an excited
small boy with his patient father. But when my husband was fully grown, indeed
an independent man, the roles were reversed and it was father who commandeered reluctant
son into sitting together on the river bank, reminiscing silently while waiting
for a fish to bite. </div>
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A friend complains that every evening on his return from work, when all he wants is to slump into the sofa, he's forced into a game of dragons and knights with his young son. ‘You wait,’ my husband prophecies with a chuckle, ‘We’ll soon be knocking
on their bedroom doors while they have their music playing, asking if they'd like to come and set the scene for battle with Lego.’</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I suppose it’s no news that the grass is always greener. But
I am trying my very best to defy the cliché and nurture the greenest grass on
the block. The puppy-years should be a phase to be cherished rather
than endured. Before we know it, our dogs will be cats and my husband and I may
well be tempted to fill the gap with a real puppy.</div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-23591551296307686202013-09-29T00:25:00.002-07:002014-11-24T11:40:35.701-08:00Thoughts in the wake of a Macmillan coffee morning <b>The collateral of defeating cancer</b><br />
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On Friday, a friend hosted a Macmillan coffee morning at her
home. There were pretty cups and saucers, good coffee, delicious cake aplenty,
and a jolly time was had by all. There was no mention of cancer, and no need to
mention cancer, because among us was an unspoken understanding that all present
had been touched by the disease in one way or another. It felt to me like a
silent united force – cake-eaters coming together to enjoy ourselves in defiance
of cancer.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
However, when I left, I felt reflective, a touch gloomy.
Many of us had been bereaved as a result of cancer’s coup, and counting the
toll made me think along the clichéd lines of ‘battling’, ‘fighting’, ‘winning’
and ‘losing’. These are words that cancer patients tend not to like as they
apportion success, failure and blame, but none the less have a natural place in
the language of the disease. It is fact that there is a worldwide mission to
find ever more effective treatments for the many and varied ways cancer can
manifest, and no doubt it’s a fight. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Eating cake seems like rather a pleasant way to beat cancer,
but for an individual to defeat cancer, it’s always necessary to pay a much
higher, more personal, physiological price. That price may be a part of your
bowel along with its function, your reproductive organs along with your
fertility, part of a vital organ, even an arm or a leg, or as in my case, a
breast. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I look at the possibilities, a breast seems a pretty
paltry fee. Although in the shadow of death, any non-vital body part can be
considered redundant, some are certainly more redundant than others. To give a
leg would have been much greater collateral than a breast, which I do miss but
its loss does not compromise my life unduly. Yes, a breast has an important
function but the deal left me with one functioning mammary gland and I was
still able to feed our baby – for a few weeks at least, before my milk was
contaminated by cytotoxic drugs. And then the formula took over, and seemed to
do a good job.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I was pregnant when I was given a diagnosis of recurrence,
but lucky enough to keep the baby, any price to rid the disease seemed cheap.
After all, I was cutting a deal for two lives here, not just my own. Giving up
the breast was a bargain. It was a bargain even though after the mastectomy,
the slicing and dicing in the laboratory showed there was no cancer in the
breast after all; the cancer was all in and around the lymph system.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The experience of undergoing cancer treatment has been to me
a bit like playing a part in a sci-fi movie. There definitely hasn’t been any
glamour associated with acting, but there were times I felt just like an actor
playing a role, so surreal did my circumstances seem. But more to the point, I
have witnessed an enormous collaborative effort made by medics far and wide that
reinforce the idea that we do battle with this disease. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The team of intellect working to save my life was humbling.
I knew it wasn’t personal, that I was anonymous to them and only a statistic to
boost or sully their professional pride. But I didn’t mind. I felt protected,
considered, and that I was receiving the best treatment possible. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When it came to radiation, the sci-fi theme exploded into
something like a dream. The state-of-the-art equipment at the Royal Marsden was
mind boggling. The bed that raised and tilted to within a fraction of a
centimetre, the red light beams that marked the path of the deadly radiation to
be delivered for a matter of seconds only, before it fried me along with the
cancer. The staff spoke in tongues while I lay like putty in their hands as
they positioned me to the correct millimetre. Once they were happy, they smiled
at me kindly and retreated behind the safety screen, where they watched me
through a window. With a rush of adrenalin, I imagined the radiation entering
my body. It was a weapon of war, sent in to destroy. There was a whole team on
my side using millions of pounds worth of equipment, attempting to kill a microscopic,
alien life form inside me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have experienced the fight against cancer from many
perspectives and paid the price in various ways, and eating delicious cake in
return for a donation has definitely been my favourite battle yet. </div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-70016325793897515212013-09-23T04:07:00.001-07:002014-11-24T11:40:35.744-08:00The self-fulfilling prophecy of social media<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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What a pretty picture summer painted this year. If social
media is to be believed, my friends and acquaintances have spent their summers
smiling, whether they were crossing continents or raising a glass beneath the twinkly
lights of a garden party. As for we parents in the medley, anyone would think
we were in competition with the sun to kiss the freckled faces of our laughing
children as they hurdled waves on expansive beaches. Illustrated highlights of
the season include granita enjoyed against a Sicilian backdrop, electric eels encountered
beneath the Ionian sea, huitres en famille en Bretagne and happy quantities of
new wine consumed at a Viennese heuriger. The viewing has been a vicarious delight,
and equipped me with some inspiration for next year’s holiday.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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While I don’t doubt these
vignettes are true, I can’t help wondering if they are really a true
representation of their protagonists’ lives. After all, there are friends whose
lives I’m party to, and I know there’s a shadier side, obscured by the public
front of facebook. Where are the cockups at work, the bereaved, over-stretched
finances, marital disputes and pessimism of the depressed? Without the counter
of misfortune, the happy scenes take on a glow of fantasy. </div>
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<br /></div>
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For me, the question is whether it’s a good thing, or a bad
thing, this positive spin so many of us put on our own lives and project into a
public arena. I admit that telling the edited version of my own life story –
hot off the press – can be a very therapeutic exercise. Garnering a timeline of
positive moments and happy events alongside a few humorous, shambolic
misadventures can be a good lesson in counting your own blessings. There’s
something comforting in reviewing the highlights of the last few years through
photos and status updates, and there’s also some relief to be had in retelling
a miserable event with a twinkle in your eye. </div>
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<br /></div>
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While making light of
moderately bad situations can be a helpful use for social media, there are also
the friends who withdrew from public when their lives went through a genuinely
difficult patch. When the going gets though, it’s not surprising that alerts to
someone else’s perfect existence can become nauseating. If your marriage is
rocky, friends’ photos that bear witness to an enduring romance are a slap in
the face. When your career is in the doldrums, an ex-colleague’s promotion is a
kick in the teeth. A public forum cannot select its audience with tact or offer
the support a friend can give over a coffee at lunchtime; it’s just, well, too
public. And anyway, how should we manage announcements to such a diverse
cross-section of friends? Is it inappropriate to share the same news with
colleagues as with friends from university digs? While there is provision for
selective posting, is it really practical or advisable to filter out friends? I can imagine opening a whole can of worms with that strategy.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: center 225.65pt;">
I too have been through a
temporary retirement from facebook. When I was undergoing cancer treatment, my
account lay dormant for almost a year. A stubbly covering of new hair marked my
return, and I posted a proud ‘selfie’ to show it. Once my appearance was more
GI Jane than boiled egg, I was ready to expose the horror from which I was
emerging, feeling triumphant. At that point, it struck me how much easier it is
to tell bad news in retrospect. Perhaps that’s why social media and the
autobiography are such different animals: by the time a celebrity has dried out,
been in rehab or left an abusive relationship, the tale so avidly devoured by
fans and followers in their biog bears testament to their
strength, rather than their weakness. To announce a downturn in progress may look desperate or be humiliating, and leave readers uncertain of how to respond to an impersonal plea for help. Should we 'like' someone
else’s misfortune, is that etiquette? And once we've acknowledged it, do we keep life-online safely in its own bubble and ignore it in person, or follow up with IM, text, phonecall or a hug at the school gates?</div>
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<br /></div>
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There is no doubt in my mind that social media would benefit from the kind of honesty that many of us share in person with our friends. But then again, while self-promotion and navel-gazing are a rather undesirable
part of the human condition, online or offline, perhaps the positive spin of social media is a good thing, if it
pleases us to see our lives in lights. A little delusion can make life far more
palatable after all, and if we shout our own prophecy loudly enough, perhaps we’ll
even begin to fulfil it.</div>
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<br /></div>
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If we can convince others, what’s to say we can’t convince
ourselves?</div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-60799089920529190592013-06-05T05:41:00.000-07:002014-11-24T11:40:35.730-08:00The fine art of entertainment<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]-->I have recently been involved in the Telegraph’s <a href="http://kidsinmuseums.org.uk/" target="_blank">Kids in Museums</a> award. With hands-on opportunities ten-a-penny, museums are really
moving with the times and research shows they are more popular than ever with families. While
there’s no doubt that all six museums which made it to the shortlist this
summer will provide a rich and entertaining experience for their younger
visitors, what of the museum’s more grown-up cousin,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the gallery? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does this more traditional, static experience
have the capacity to capture the hearts and minds of our children?<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a life-long lover of art, recently starved of my eye
candy through maternal duties, I have a selfish motivation when I wonder if
there is room for children to get enthusiastic about art and artefacts that
aren’t all-singing-all-dancing. Admittedly, it was with my own interest at
heart that I set out with my two-year-old daughter to see if simple paintings
on canvas could cut the mustard.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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Something cerebral, I think, will make a pleasant change
from the sensory overload of soft-play areas with buffeting acoustics, or the hectic
experience of the mother-and-toddler group, comparable to weathering a gale-force storm. Not so long ago, art galleries
held a regular pleasure for me. But then I had children. These days, the trips are
few and far between, with a need for time to heal as the memory of stressful
encounters fades between visits. As luck would have it, my spontaneous decision
was just in time to catch the last day of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Becoming
Picasso</i> at the Courtauld Institute of Art, a favourite gallery of days gone
by.</div>
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<br /></div>
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It is useful at this point to say a few words about the Courtauld Institute, to convey a few points about its standing, and my choice of destination. Part of Somerset House, it was built at the end of the 18<sup>th</sup> century to house the government
office and its associated societies, and the gallery’s entrance was once the
reception for the society of ‘useful learning and the polite arts’. I arrive
with my daughter in an antithetical bluster of commotion as I heave the buggy
up over the stone steps, worn beautifully smooth over the centuries by the feet
of those learned and polite. The door opens, courtesy of the doorman.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Inside, the atmosphere is positively librarian, and that I
mean in a way I used to enjoy very much, before the anxiety of turning calm to
storm entered my radar. I approach a member of staff at the desk. ‘Is it
possible to take a buggy into the gallery?’ I enquire in a low voice, nodding
down at my daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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‘Oh yes,’ replies a
woman brusquely, ‘but eating is not allowed.’ She widens her eyes to the untidy snacks employed for a quiet ride. As I reach to remove the offending
bag, I am already braced for the wail of complaint that emanates from my daughter. After a brief tug of war to escalating soundtrack, I loosen my grip, bend
down and try reason. ‘The lady says no snacks in the gallery,’ I say ‘but when
we come out, you can have them back.’ ‘I want a apple!’ she wails as she
relinquishes her grip, ‘RIGHT NOW!’ </div>
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<br /></div>
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Is it my imagination playing on my
discomfort, or do the visitors tut in time to their walking sticks? By this point, I'm wondering whether to cut my loses and leave. The lady
from the desk approaches to break up the fracas. ‘An apple is fine,’ she
concedes helpfully, ‘but no packets.’ I smile, fleetingly, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>subconsciously<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>accepting a message that an apple is far more aesthetically acceptable
in a gallery than a bag of crisps, and lift the pushchair up another flight of
steps before arriving at the lift. I hand over an apple which does the trick –
for about five minutes. </div>
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<br /></div>
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My next attempt to maintain silence in the gallery involves
removing my daughter from her buggy and carrying her around for a guided tour
of the exhibition. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We stop at Picasso’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dwarf Dancer</i>. ‘Look at this stern lady,’
I say, ‘How do you think she’s feeling?’ My daughter studies the woman’s face
for a moment. ‘Cross’, she says. I try something crafty, perhaps not in the
best parenting technique. ‘That’s right, cross. Do you think she heard you crying?’
My daughter freezes for a moment, then covers her face with her hands and turns
into my shoulder. We continue in silence with my daughter peeping wide-eyed
through her hands to see who might be looking at her now, and finds there are
plenty more faces to play with. She interprets Picasso’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Child with a dove</i> as ‘Sad. I think she wants her mummy.’ And <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Casagemas in his coffin</i> prompts ‘Oh –
there is blue in his mouth! He must get the paint off.’ We talk about the
people in the paintings, wonder how they’re feeling (‘He’s feeling sleepy’ of
the deceased Casagemas), who they are and what they’re doing (‘A mummy with a baby, and the
little boy is eating an apple like me’ of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The
Mother</i>), and to my delight she is happily viewing the exhibition while commenting like a pro. After a sticky start, this visit begins to feel like a triumph.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">There are several excellent
and under-reported schemes in Britain’s museums and galleries which aim to
foster an interest in art among children. Research shows that by engaging with and
interpreting visual art from an early age, children are encouraged to exercise
the right side of the brain - the side that is widely neglected by all other than left-handers. Looking at art is a richly educational and painless way to
encourage children to look carefully, to think about what they see, to put people, places, religion and times into a context, and to
interpret emotions – all of which are skills in the much mooted ‘transferable’
category.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">The Prince’s
Foundation for Children & the Arts funds some very successful programmes to
make the arts accessible to children from all backgrounds. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">“Every child,
whatever his or her circumstances, should have the chance to experience the
artistic excellence of our cultural heritage, the very best of dance, theatre,
opera, and music, our museums and galleries, art and literature”, reads the
Foundation’s mission statement. Among the schemes, Nottingham Contemporary runs
educational programmes with school children of all ages. In one exercise,
five-year-olds are paired with ten-year-olds and must each choose and describe
one work of art in the gallery of abstract work to describe to the other.
Blind-folded, the child must recall and interpret the image they have seen, in
a way their partner might understand. It makes for fascinating viewing. Even very young children can attribute
emotions to a picture, express what strikes a chord with them, just as my own two-year-old had shown me. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Compared to a strictly adult experience browsing a gallery, my trip to the Courtauld was not ideal. But no sooner was I there, than I realised my
motive was misplaced. Next time, I’ll go with a less ambitious agenda, with a
view to exposing my daughter to some paintings she may enjoy interpreting,
and be satisfied to enjoy a few along the way. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
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<br /></div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-8591772816514697262012-05-14T03:04:00.000-07:002014-11-24T11:40:35.771-08:00Turn back the clock<div class="MsoNormal">
Social media is wielding an uncomfortable yet addictive brand
of torment for me: facebook has begun colluding with my midlife crisis.<br />
<br />
These days, it is impossible to close the door on any chapter of my life due to the surviving evidence - ever present and all too visible.There, on the social-networking site to which I am - guiltily - party, are images of people from my past I thought I put to bed. Sometimes I have not seen their faces for decades, and I confess that the intervening years can cause me to wince. It’s rather like looking in
the mirror after ten years without reflective surfaces: a brutal reminder of
the passage of time which, thank goodness, is softened by the ritual of daily
ablutions and glances in high street shop fronts. Seeing your teen-peers in full-flung middle age is a tactful reminder that they are not the only ones for whom the passing years bear scars.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
Unfortunately I am not immune to a flurry of curiosity, leading me to do
some detective work of my own. It’s always interesting to sneak a peak at the
lives of friends who have drifted away through circumstance, a pleasure to
rekindle online-friendships<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and actual
in-the-flesh meets with some. But while I scroll through their once familiar
faces remarking with shameless nosiness on the direction of their lives, there’s
also a bitter-sweet undertone to the remembrance of things past.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As if my own insecurities about middle age aren’t bad
enough, shortly after his 40<sup>th</sup> birthday my husband comes to bed with
a few of his own. I’m reading and he poses a question so startlingly unexpected
I lower my book and stare at him, amazed. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘How could I cut my hair to make it look as though there’s
more?’ I’d always thought my husband didn’t have a vain bone in his body. He’s
barely added to his wardrobe since 1995 and grows a hoary fisherman’s beard in
the winter to save time shaving. Male grooming products are not on his radar.
Yet here he was, asking for advice on defying the toll of passing years. Before
I can gather myself to respond, he continues. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘What do you think about a comb-over?’ </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Silence, mouth open, then laugh.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘I’m serious,’ he says. ‘Do you think I could grow it a bit
longer around the edges to disguise the bald-patch?’ </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘A skinhead,’ I say, ‘is probably the most dignified
solution.’ He disagrees. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘My head’s the wrong shape, I don’t have the face for a
skinhead,’ he protests. ‘There must be a way to cut it or grow it to make it
look as though there’s more. Obviously a hair transplant would be best, but
doing an Elton John isn’t exactly an option.’ While I’m amused by his concerns,
I’m also rather moved by his insecurity. There’s something poignant about my
own husband clawing to turn back the clock. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With
a disturbing image of Rab C Nesbitt on the Hamlet ad in my mind, it’s a
good thing I have charge of the hairdressing equipment in
our household. The outcome of the nocturnal revelation was a rather more
careful cut next time I set scissors to hair and some carefully chosen
words
when he asks ‘How am I doing on top?’ </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I look back to my youth, I remember feeling that I was
young, while other people were old. It’s as though that was my status in life: young. It was obvious that my youth was desirable to elderly and middle-aged
relatives, made them a little misty-eyed as they recalled their own. But I
don’t remember ever putting my youth into a life context. I felt invincible. It
wasn’t until I was in my early 30s that my attitude changed, when my life was
threatened by illness and my own mortality dawned on me, probably a little
sooner than it would otherwise. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Although physical decline after prime can be hard to bear,
of course the alternative is far worse: not to age is to die young. And
although our bodies may begin to fail us, our minds continue to grow. With age
comes wisdom, and that’s a journey to embrace.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While we can fight the inevitable with denial, defiance,
exercise, a nip-and-tuck, clever clothing and ways too many to mention, I have
found on the occasions I am able, the best way is to adjust my attitude. I have tried to banish the image
of a hilltop bearing an enormous ‘40’ from my mind, but rather see life as one
long journey, onwards and upwards, punctuated by events rather than numbers. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And while my husband’s own midlife crisis was temporarily
unsettling, it was strangely comforting too. Along with all those faces online, whatever the decade, we’re in this
together. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-75819550440525452772011-11-17T15:29:00.000-08:002014-11-24T11:40:35.755-08:00A birth storyAt 1.15am on a windy November night, at 36 weeks gestation, our baby daughter began to make her transition from womb to
world.<br />
<br />
It was with the ice cold stab of dread I woke,
paralysed while I made sense of the feeling: my waters had broken. This wasn’t supposed to happen
yet, the baby was preterm. I stole out of the bedroom, packed a hospital bag and a bag for our two year old daughter, did some last minute,
frantic cleaning and tidying, had a shower, then woke my husband.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘I’m having a baby’ I told him. As he blinked to
consciousness and I heard the announcement myself and the birth was in motion.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a> At 5.30am, we arrived at the hospital. The welcome we
received at the labour unit was less than luke-warm. Perhaps the staff could be
forgiven, perhaps they were taken aback by my appearance. After all, our
circumstances were far from ideal, with my headscarf and lashless face a
giveaway of my failing health. But while we were anxious about all that was to
come, we were also excited, full of a sense of impending event, with the
expectation that others involved would share in our anticipation of a new child. But the midwives were chatting,
and we were just another customer. Eventually, someone looked our way and said 'Yes?' in the same tone a cashier at Argos might say 'Next'. I explained I'd spoken to someone on the phone, had been told to come in and a woman, whose uniform suggested she was a midwife, gave us a room number, as if directing us within a seedy hotel.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="more"></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The room was cold and clinical with florescent lighting, faded
curtains and some frightening medical equipment. Where were the rooms with
state-of-the-art accessories I’d seen on my tour of the unit, the pools, stools
and specially designed seats? There was, of course, a bed. A mean, narrow
hospital bed which looked to me with my aching, swollen belly like a perch for
a bird. I couldn’t contemplate climbing upon it, so lumbering and grounded was
I. Above the bed was a clock, an enormous, digital display of the time, a
reminder of the hospital laws of delivery, scheduled by doctors within the
parameters of phased time constraints. The race against time had
begun. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A midwife came to take notes. She asked questions and wanted to examine me. Why? To see how far the labour had progressed. Why did she need to know? Um, because they liked to know. I told her I’d
rather not. She left. A doctor came. He asked the same questions, suggested an examination. Without
examining me, he declared I wasn’t in active labour yet. As my waters had
broken preterm, he would suggest a hormone drip to
induce. I declined. Against my wishes, I lay on the bed for an hour while the
midwife monitored foetal movement and my contractions. Not surprisingly, the
contractions relaxed, slowed, stopped. The doctor wouldn’t be pleased, she
told me, my contractions weren’t good enough. Look – she showed me the
print-out of the reading – these lines weren’t long enough. I’d failed the
test.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A second doctor came. He told us we had 16 hours from waters
breaking to having three contractions every ten minutes, or there was a 1 in 50
chance the baby would be born with pneumonia. In order to avoid this, he’d like
to start me on a drip now, first with antibiotics, then syntometrine. We
glanced at the clock with the seconds progressing ominously while the baby seemed to shake her head within me and say 'I'm just warming up, not quite ready yet.' We stuck to our
guns: no thank you, we’d like the chance to get things going without
intervention. A walk round the grounds would be a good start. The medic left
but reappeared with a drip and a needle as big as a pipe, to infuse the
antibiotics I’d agreed to. Why so big? In case I needed a blood transfusion,
they told me. I was scared – why would I need a blood transfusion? Blood-loss,
of course. Why was blood-loss a risk? Well, it wasn’t in particular, but this was just a
precaution, you know, considering my condition... Now I saw myself through their eyes: a sick, bald geriatric mother, incapable of delivering a baby. They did not know about that sunny day back in May two and a half years ago, when our first child was born and although I knew this birth would not be the same, I was capable of being in control and wanted the birth to be as positive as possible. The midwife pierced my best vein – the one so many chemotherapy
drugs had flowed into many times until just six weeks earlier. I nearly hit the ceiling. Sorry, she said, I don't know why it won't go in. I could have told her there was scar tissue, I could have told her it was hardened, and that her needle was just too bloody big.
She held it up for me to observe and my stomach turned. Perhaps I could have a
‘normal’ needle, a smaller one? A shrug, a warning that I may have to go
through the pain again, later in labour if I needed a blood transfusion, and it was agreed. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Shortly after, the second doctor reappeared, armed with a
third doctor. He stood back, giving the third doctor centre stage to deliver
his canvass. What he delivered was the same argument as the second, and the
first, but when I explained for the third time that I didn’t want intervention
or pain relief unless it was in the interest of my baby or myself, he laughed
that they weren’t offering pain relief, only pethidine with the syntometrine
drip. I didn’t bother to argue but explained, now with slightly irate
interjections from my usually calm partner, that I’d given birth once without
complication or intervention, in my own home, without doctors or pain relief. I knew I wasn't in the best of health but I felt strong and determined, so would they not just give us a chance, give us some time to get this thing on
the road, and if we couldn’t I would give full permission for them to take
over? They agreed, on one condition: we had until lunchtime. As they retreated
we looked at the diminishing seconds on that watchful clock above the bed and a
sense of determination boosted our broken spirit.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It took a lot of walking to get the baby moving, quite
against the advice of the doctors who wanted me on the bed wearing a monitor. But the battle of
wills continued. We made endless treks around the hospital grounds on that blustery
November morning, up and down stairs, dropping to my knees in inappropriate
places to wait for painful contractions to pass. Once we could see that things
were really moving, we resigned ourselves to the labour room. The midwife
wasn’t there but we went in and got on with it. As I knelt on the floor and
clung to the bed with each contraction, I felt the world slipping away. I
couldn’t respond to my partner who spoke to me with frightened eyes. I could
hear him asking if I was alright and I thought I’d reassured him, but my answer
was in my head. When I started bleeding, he went to fetch the midwife. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The midwife had
popped out for lunch, he came to report, but apparently would be back soon. Another midwife came in,
asked if I’d like gas and air, set it up and deserted us. As I whirled into the
private concentration of drunken pain, I could see my partner’s fear escalating while he danced between me and the door, looking for a midwife. ‘I can’t do this,’ I told him ‘I
can’t have this baby.’ I remember him telling me that’s what I’d said last
time, and at last I knew this must be transition. With my first push, the midwife
came through the door. She’d been gone 40 minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was still frantic with the pressure of
timely delivery, fearful that doctors would arrive to intervene, put me on my
back, blind me with bright lights, forcibly remove the baby and leave me broken
and torn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pushed too hard and fast,
out of control, desperate to do this job myself. I hardly noticed the midwife, only my husband encouraging my
efforts. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When our daughter slipped onto a mat on a cold, hard
hospital floor at 14.43 and 36 weeks gestation, she wailed in protest. And how
could I blame her? Squeezed out by a mother who was out of tune with her body,
terrified by the hospital, bullied by the doctors. When our first
daughter was born, she came out making endearing, happy sounds, was brought
from the water in the pool and passed into my arms. The contrast now was stark and dismal.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 254.25pt;">
There is a time and a place for a
hospital birth. Unfortunately our circumstances meant that this was one of
those times, for the sake of our baby who was exposed to chemotherapy drugs
while in utero. So why is it that giving birth in hospital was frightening rather
than reassuring? Perhaps it has something to do with so many obstetricians
being men, men with the kind of patronising attitudes that belong in the 19th century. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 254.25pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 254.25pt;">
As soon as our daughter was born
healthy, we could be nothing but delighted. Not one of the three doctors who’d
tried to take charge of my labour came to congratulate us, but we were too
happy to notice at the time. We sat and
wondered at our luck, examined our perfect little girl, kissed fingers and toes, congratulated ourselves and looked forward to
taking her home to meet her sister. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 254.25pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 254.25pt;">
We are so lucky to have a second healthy, beautiful daughter that it would be churlish to dwell on the delivery but as I say, every mother has a right to tell her birth story.</div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-72536799374123380742011-11-04T03:47:00.000-07:002014-11-24T11:40:35.748-08:00Every mother loves a birth story<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
It is my belief that it's the privilege of every new mother to tell the
story of her labour in as much gory detail as she wishes, and for her audience
to listen politely, if not appreciatively. This was not my understanding before
I had children myself, but since giving birth I have reached the kind of
'members only' realisation that gives a convenient licence to hold forth.<br />
<br />
I have a good old friend whose first birth story came several years before
my own, and I remember being simultaneously horrified, regaled and skeptical
when she told me in dramatic detail of the birth of her first daughter. She
told me how she had done the cleverest thing - producing this perfect infant,
and how the arrival of the first grandchild had incited her mother to reveal how her own birth
(she is also the first born) had been the best thing that had ever happened to
her. And then, many months later, I remember this friend telling me how her
husband had suggested she find an alternative topic of conversation to dine out
on, that perhaps the birth-story was wearing a little thin for family and
friends alike. I laughed with her at the time, part of me realising how 'big'
this thing must be, the labour of giving birth, while hoping to bear the pain,
indignity and wonder of this transformational experience myself some day.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
When the time came, back in May 2008, the experience included every angle
and sentiment I could have hoped for. The labour felt brutal and raw, reductive
to animal instinct, but productive, a consolidation of my relationship with my
husband and utterly wonderful too. As my friend suggested, I felt pretty clever
for what actually nature had facilitated, but perhaps not quite as clever as my husband seemed to
think I was. What I had not been prepared for was how I would share ownership
of ‘my’ birth story with my husband.<br />
<br />
On the quiet, sunny afternoon our first daughter was born without so much as a cry, into the birthing pool in our darkened sitting
room, the midwives left fairly quickly and we cooed and wondered in blissful
privacy. Once the requisite announcements had been made to family and friends
over the phone, my husband disappeared to pace the sunny garden deliberately close
to the hedge, in the hope he could apprehend a neighbour as an audience to share the story of our newborn's arrival. While at first I basked in his pride
of my labour and our tiny daughter, when his voice cracked with emotion as he
told my baffled, embarrassed family of the super-human feat I had
achieved, my encouragement dwindled. When our NCT friends, still swollen with
their as yet unborn babies, glanced at their partners in disbelief while he
gushed forth about how giving birth would make the fathers see their partners in a
new divine light of admiration, I held his arm to make him stop. ‘Enough,’ I
squeezed silently.<br />
<br />
It it is a year today since I gave birth for the second time, and I
concede there are probably times a steady squeeze to my own arm would have
been well placed. But before anyone gets the chance, lend me your ears, I must just tell you my second birth story... <br />
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<![endif]-->Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-76484633173472241412011-04-04T03:40:00.000-07:002014-11-24T11:40:35.759-08:00It's a gift<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK1;"><span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK2;">Inspired by some online-friends from Breast Cancer Care, I thought I'd say it with poetry for a change. </span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK1;"><span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK2;">It's a gift </span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK1;"><span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK2;">It’s a gift, this life. <br />
Shame I didn’t realise <br />
Before this wretched compromise.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK1;"><span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK2;">The news was not tangible.<br />
I was invincible<br />
Fearless by youthful principle.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK1;"><span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK2;">But the nightmare became reality.<br />
So ugly for a malcontent to wake up<br />
And see their best days spent.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK1;"><span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK2;">That life’s my right, I cried.<br />
Two breasts, my health, a family<br />
Not yet conceived to me.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK1;"><span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK2;">And life was kind,<br />
I held my child. Then I could see<br />
This privilege was not owed to me.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK1;"><span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK2;">It’s a gift, this life.<br />
Once, it seemed blue. <br />
Now, on this knife edge, it takes a rosy hue.</span></span></div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-27434435755808692392011-01-10T02:48:00.000-08:002014-11-24T11:40:35.704-08:00The leaky bottle<div class="MsoNormal">
4.30am. I am woken by the thudding of footsteps in the
hallway. Thud thud thud down towards the bathroom and a moment later thud thud
thud, back again. The baby is crying. Her cry is the mewling of a newborn,
seven weeks old, mouth persistently wide. My husband is on duty, but from behind the closed door
of the spare room, maternal instinct rouses me and I stumble from bed. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I almost collide with my husband, who’s standing just
outside the doorway, holding a muslin in one hand, an empty milk bottle in the
other, his hands raised in announcement. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Something is wrong with this bottle,’ he says. ‘I’ve
already been downstairs once to fill it again because the first bottle has
soaked the baby, now this one is doing the same. I don’t know how it’s
happening.’ He speaks as though there are gremlins at work.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
I reach for the
bottle and unscrew the top. No collar in the neck.<br />
<br />
‘No collar,’ I say and move towards the crying baby in the
basket, next to her father’s side of the bed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘No I’ll do it,’ he protests, ‘there's something else you need to do. Something's wrong with Pip, he's on the sofa and there’s a pool of blood on the floor.’ Now I’m rushing down the stairs, leaving the ‘waaa’ of my
tiny daughter behind me, through the child gate, into the sitting
room. (Well, our furry babies were here before the human-kind arrived.) There is Pip, paws folded under his chest in regal feline pose, neck
compressed and head upright but eyes rolling back. He’s wet around the neck. I
touch him, feel the remnants of a sticky substance on his fur. I
try to inspect him, but he winces in retreat. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I leave him, worried eyes trained on him as I back out. The
kitchen is in full brightness and on the floor is a dark, glossy substance,
pooled in a thick, liquid blob as big as a side plate. I’m hesitant as I bend down
to prod it with some kitchen roll: dense, coagulated blood, like deep crimson
jelly. Towards the cat flap is another smaller pool. He must have just managed
to make it home, then once through his door sat and bled.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Back with Pip, I can find no source of the bleeding. His sticky
front has been licked clean. Then I realise by the slight crust on his tabby-white beard, the blood has come oozing from
his mouth. Back in the kitchen the kettle has boiled again, and my
husband is heading upstairs with a fresh bottle of milk for the still crying
baby. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘I'll ring the vet,’ I say, and I call the
emergency number.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The vet sounds half
asleep, says I should bring him over now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m scared to lift his body into the basket for fear he is broken.
I
rush upstairs, listening for the baby, who at least is now quiet. I grab my
jeans, pull them over my pyjamas, poke my head around the bedroom door and see
my husband sitting on the bed with the baby sucking peacefully at last.
‘I’m going,’ I whisper, and I go.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the basket, Pip’s quiet and still. There is no protestant
wail, none of the usual outrage at a car journey to the vet. It’s January and outside the darkness is defined by frosty
highlights. The streets are silent and the unlocking doors echo so loudly I feel the whole neighbourhood will wake. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By the time we arrive at the vet, it’s gone 5.30am. I
leave Pip in the car, ring on the bell and wait, but no one answers. I knock.
No answer. Everything begins to happen in slow motion and I wonder if I'm actually asleep and dreaming. I pace back, look up at the
windows, venture round to one side, then the other. ‘Hello?’ I call, and knock
harder. It takes nearly ten minutes for the vet to appear. When she opens the
door, I am close to crying with first despair, then relief. The vet immediately
gives him a painkiller and various other drugs to treat this undiagnosed
emergency. She opens his mouth to look inside and bids me take a look. From
between his top front teeth, disappearing down his throat, is a deep, red, raw
gash. His palate is split in two – probably the impact of a car bumper with his
head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> One eye is enormously dilated and he'll need observation. He's in safe hands now and </span>I have to go, I explain, I have an
appointment.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Back in the car, there’s no sign of dawn but the world is
waking up. Beams of headlights light the sea mist along the coastal road. By
the time I pull up outside our house, the birds are just beginning to sing. In
my mind, I see Pip’s dark shadow sloping across the road, into the path of an
oncoming car. How he escaped with his life now seems like a miracle. How
fortuitous, the leaky bottle. What chance my husband went downstairs to refill
it, saw the evidence, found the cat. Inside the house, there’s a precious baby waiting
for me. And an anxious husband too. My night of enforced rest in the spare bed was cut short, but we’re tougher these days, made of sterner stuff.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The baby sleeps as I shower. And then back in the car – all
three of us this time, quiet and contemplative all the way to the hospital.
Today it will be my sixth round of chemotherapy. </div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-39606796159641012422010-11-29T02:47:00.000-08:002014-11-24T11:40:35.707-08:00Prodigy not progeny<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Over the last 18 months, I’ve noticed how
quickly progeny can turn to prodigy. Last week, at a singing group, I had to stifle
a snigger as we sat round on the floor, waiting for a sing-a-long to begin.
‘What are you doing?’ a mother asked her baby son as she dangled him by his
armpits in front of her and he bounced on his bandy legs, much like any other
baby. ‘You’re not supposed to be walking, you’re only six months old!’ </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I should probably stop here when it comes
to relaying baby-boasts, as I wouldn’t wish to offend anyone by singling out
the genius of their own child. So here is a boast of my own. A few days ago, I
went to my daughter’s nursery to have a conversation about her progress. I
perched on a miniature chair at a miniature table and her keyworker presented
me with a fat folder: ‘Elizabeth’s
profile’, she stated, making her sound more like an inmate than a toddler. </span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN-US">Before I could examine the endless pages of tickboxes, the keyworker turned to
the back. ‘Here are some examples of Elizabeth’s work,’ she told me jabbing
with her finger. ‘Look at that!’ There before me was a page covered with
circles. Coloured circles, interlocking, spiraling, offset. Circles just like
the ones she draws at home. All the time. ‘Yes, she loves drawing circles,’ I
say, ‘We have reams of them at home.’ There’s a pause. ‘They’re very good,’ the
keyworker tells me. A small prickling of pride as I realise I’ve missed
something. ‘So are you saying these circles are… unusual?’ I probe. She nods in
the manner of one whose charge is small children. ‘Very. It’s VERY advanced. We
never get Buttercups doing this, only Poppies.’ The woman indicates to the
circles again and looks as me as though I’m an idiot. And who am I to pour
scorn on the genius of my daughter’s circle-drawing? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I leave the nursery feeling I’ve just come
away from parents evening, reflecting on the report a stranger has imparted to
me about my own still-almost-baby-daughter. ‘Ya ya ya,’ she sings. I push her
home, wondering if premature circle-drawing could have any kind of connection
with developmental conditions. Must google, I note. Later that day, I notice my
daughter seems not just to be drawing circles, but living in a world of
circles. She draws them constantly – on paper, in the air, in response to the
sight of a bus, a CD, the car, a teacup, beaker, washing machine… It is
beginning to look not just clever, but abnormal.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The next day, I’m in a cafe with friends
and our children. Someone asks how the nursery assessment went. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘Apparently, B is very advanced in the art of
circle-drawing,’ I reveal, trying to sound casual. Cue boasts all round. ‘X is
able to read a whole book himself,’ boasts one. ‘Y is talking in full
sentences, unlike his friend who’s six months older,’ boasts another. And there
we indulge ourselves in a self-congratulatory flood of ‘Really?’s and ‘Clever
girl/boy!’s</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">So much more than progeny. Prodigies all
round. </span></div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3214446041874647721.post-16692282003317046382010-10-25T02:46:00.000-07:002014-11-24T11:40:35.686-08:00Mr Messy is pushed for time<span lang="EN-US">On reading a 21<sup>st</sup>-century sequel
to Mr Messy with my daughter recently, we turned the page to find a picture of
Mr Messy’s garden shed. Its contents spilled messily out through the door. </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Daddy! Daddy!’ my daughter stated, pointing
to the untidy debris and nodding with conviction. ‘Yes!’ I agreed with just a
touch of Mr Mischief, ‘Just like daddy’s shed.’ </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Later that day, I relayed the anecdote to ‘daddy’.
‘Mr Messy probably doesn’t have time to tidy his shed either,’ he retorted. He
had a point. Time seems to be in short supply these days.</span><br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<span lang="EN-US"> I don’t remember time
being in such short supply when I enjoyed the Mr Men, back in the ’70s, although
I do concede my point of view has changed somewhat. It seemed to me that my own
father had time to tidy the shed and work on the house and creosote the fence<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>at weekends, and still had time left to play
Pick-up-Sticks with my sister and me. I wondered, would our daughter remember
how precious the time with her father, that she stood in her cot at bedtime, refusing to lie down until her daddy came
home from work to plant a goodnight kiss on her waiting face? Or would the
happy moments together seem like a lifetime of happy memories, so rosy are the remembrances
of times past?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">It remains one of life’s mysteries how time
can pass at different speeds, depending on the time of day or phase of life. How is it that the
hour between seven and eight in the morning flashes past at the speed of light,
while – at least for those with small children – the hour between five and six
in the evening drags through eternity? And how it can be that we cannot find
just ten minutes to do the many things we ought. The times I’ve heard some
healthy-living evangelist espousing the merits of just ten minutes of exercise
or meditation each day, I wonder how it is that for the vast majority of us,
those ten minutes just don’t exist. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">A couple of years ago, it was my husband himself
who bought me a book for Christmas about how to get things done, the crux of
which was to simply get on with it. Family members present chuckled and sucked
their teeth in anticipation of a marital dispute, so blatant was the message. I
wonder if it’s time to re-gift the book.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Do you think,’ I ask aloud as I walk past
my husband who’s watching films on youtube, ‘we had more time back in the ’70s
because we didn’t have computers?’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘Show me a three-day week,’ he replies, ‘and
I’ll show you a tidy shed.’</span></div>
Jane Sarluishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10357322400092111093noreply@blogger.com0